Go Team Polo! I mean USA!

The Branding of America (the federal constitutional republic)

Maybe you saw the new Olympic wardrobe by Ralph Lauren announced earlier this week. This is the clothing that will be worn in the opening ceremonies, around the Olympic village, and pretty much most any time the athletes are not actually wearing theirIt pretty much makes me sick. I like the design of the outfits themselves, but seriously should the Ralph Lauren logos be bigger than either the United States Flag or Olympic logos? Since when is it The United States by Ralph Lauren. Don't get me wrong, I think it is great that RL is supporting the US Olympic team and I think the company deserves exposure for their sponsorship. I just think promoting the company more than the team or even the Olympics themselves is the wrong message to be sending. It does not seem to be the spirit of the Olympic games. I just don't like it.

This is the type of thing that can only get worse. Let's look at the Polo style shirts from the past two Olympic games. The 2008 polo shirt by Nike on the right, still has the Nike logo and swoosh as a sponsorship should, but the logo is smaller than the USA Olympic logo, there for not the main focus. The 2010 by Ralph Lauren on the other hand has the pony twice the size of the USA Olympic logo. My eye focuses on the pony well before the team, I feel like I will be watching corporations compete instead of representations of countries.

Even the hoodie by Ralph Lauren for the 2008 (right) was much more subdued with the logo than the current. That is RL Polo logo on the sleeve, much nicer than a huge RL_10.

Ralph Lauren wasn't the first, for a while it felt like watching the Home Depot team with all the commercials they aired about HD employing more Olympic athletes. The difference there was that it was a commercial, not the outfits at the games themselves. I still knew Home Depot was a major sponsor and supporter but during the games themselves there was enough of a separation for me not to feel like I was rooting for Team Home Depot, I was rooting for Team USA. Maybe I will feel this way when the Olympics do arrive in a couple weeks...but right now all I can think is "Go team Polo by Ralph Lauren!"

I hear this is what the outfits will look like for the 2014 Winter Olympic Games.

OK, this is just a Jeff Gordon NASCAR coat with a few Olympic and other logos added...but you can see this coming, right? Brawndo The Thirst Mutilator!

I do however love the mascot Quatchi. Quatchi rules. So cute, cuddly, friendly, and welcoming. Good job Vancouver. You made Izzy (AKA - Whatizit) look like a real piece of garbage in comparison (by the way, he was a piece of garbage...might as well have been Springy from the Simpsons). Epic Fail USA. Gold in the mascot field goes to Vancouver, USA did not even qualify for this event.

Beware the Glottal Horror

Last week, was my niece's seventh birthday and we did what many families do - went to Chuck E Cheese.

My niece enjoyed herself, which was the whole point, but I must admit that I am always just a little disappointed when I have gone in the past few years (for the record, I go about once a year). Some of it has to do with the fact that in that year, only one game (maybe two at the most) had changed from my previous visit. I've worked at an arcade and I know how important rotation is to a business. CEC might not be affected in quite the same way since they deal with younger children and depend on birthday parties instead of walk-in game playing traffic. However, a little rotation would be nice for the older people accompaning the children. I don't want CEC becoming a place full of shooting games, they don't need Big Buck Hunter or Silent Scope...I actually like that they have keep a family friendly environment. Maybe some classics like Pacman or Tetris and a couple pinball machines (they do have one, I'll give them that) would be nice.

I thought the animatronic show was really short and half of it was video. When I was a kid the robots did sets and played more 5-6 songs a row before taking a break. Comedy skits were thrown in between songs...the show was THE reason to go there as a kid. One of my favorite memories as a kid is watching the robots play 867-5309/Jenny by Tommy TuTone and their Oldies Medley. I remember sitting there being enthralled even with all the video games calling my name. Now the band plays one song, then 15-20 minutes of video (pretty boring video - even for kids). The animatronic show hardly seemed more than a minor sideshow...definitely not an attraction to go see. The upkeep of the animatronic creatures was mediocre at best. Helen Henny looked like she had a coke-stroke with little movement on one side and Pasqually could barely lift his drumsticks. Munch, the leader of the band had serious issues. His eyes rolled to the back of his head most the time like he was stoned out of his fuzzy purple head (I guess he is a rock star!). But the worst part was that his jaw was nearly ripped off...and the glottal horror that purveyed when he tried to sing made it for the best that kids were not interested in the show. That could be serious nightmare material...the pictures don't even do it justice. The sad thing is that the jaw problem could have been fixed with about 10 minutes, a screw and maybe some wire.

A lot of my disappoint has to do with the switch from ShowBiz Pizza Place to Chuck E Cheese. Don't get me wrong, I think it is great that CEC is keeping these kind of place open...I think it does still have some entertainment to offer kids and families. My problem is that it seems so bland compared to Billy Bob and the Rock-Afire Explosion that populated ShowBiz. All the characters seem completely generic with no personality. I don't know how true it is, but one time I was told that Chuck E Cheese (partially) decided to replace the Rock-Afire explosion band because it could be seen as racist. I don't get that at all. I mean Fats Geronimo was a gorilla and gorillas are black, so I guess some people (idiots) might think that is racist in some way. I grew up with it and I thought it was a funny play on the Fats' Domino's name...I didn't think the gorilla was supposed to be Fats Domino.

I guess Chuck E Cheese is good because it is the best we can get...but I long for the Rock-Afire Explosion and ShowBiz Pizza. I think I may go order the Rock-Afire DVD to sooth my soul.

The Sad State of Trick or Treat

This Halloween, I took my niece America (human) trick-or-treating. Papa had to work, Grandma and Grandpa were babysitting Braeden, the other grandchild...so that left me to be the trick-or-treat custodian. America (human) is still just young enough to need someone to go with her, but also she was in my neighborhood which she was not really familiar with (and all the twisty streets, dead ends, and cul-de-sacs can be confusing - even for me after 10 years). Mostly, I ended up being the candy mule...hauling the large bag of candy that she would dump her small bag into every few houses.

Behold - The Princess America

It was a beautiful night and perfect trick-or-treating weather with just a slight chill in the air to keep you cool when running from house to house. I really enjoyed trick-or-treating with America this year. She had a good haul of candy (5 or 6 pounds probably) and I think we burned off all the future calories running from house to house.

Although, it was a great night...I am more and more shocked about how over-protective people have become on Halloween. It was rare to see a kid without a parent or some kind of custodian along for the night. I'm not talking 5 and 6 year olds - kids that looked 10, 12 and one that looked like she was 14 had parents coddling them along all evening. Where is childhood independence? Admittedly, I grew up in a somewhat isolated semi-rural neighborhood and not the "big city" (ha ha)...but still, today's parents seem way too hovering. I don't think I had a parental guardian after second-grade. Instead I had a tight knit group of candy loving friends who would all take care of each other each Halloween. Let me say this once: Halloween is safe. People aren't poisoning candy, there are no razor blades (both overblown examples of hoaxes, coincidences, and pranks), and the pedophiles are not any more dangerous on Halloween than every other night. These are the same people that live in your neighborhood 364 other days of the year. Let your child go out with a group of friends, have fun, and blow off steam.

Let the kids be kids. Halloween is a chance to run a little wild and to be rewarded for being a child. As a child, my friends and I would run from house to house as fast as week could...arriving completely out of breath. Sidewalks and driveways be damned, all flower beds and shrubbery were endangered of being trampled as we strode through yards from house to house. Halloween was a non-stop foot race and you had to take that into account when you were planned your costume. You didn't want anything to bulky that would slow you down (neighborhood kin remember Kristina in her awesome Rubik's Cube costume? great looking costume but not built for the candy hunt), nothing loose that could fall off, nothing to hamper leg motion, and easily removable layers and breathable masks were very important as you were going to be sweating (a lot).

We also believed in a little bit of tricking...if you weren't handing out candy, you might be the subject of getting the apples we received a few doors down thrown into your roof gutters or maybe the mini tube of toothpaste squirted in your mailbox. You can't do that with parents around. Being a guardian this year, I left a bowl of candy and miniature flashlights on my porch for all the ghosts and ghouls. When I got back, it still had some candy and a few flashlights. This is all a far cry from when I was young. If you were foolish enough to leave a bowl of candy unattended on your porch in my neighborhood, chances were very good that the first person in my group to reach your porch would dump the entire bowl into their candy bag and throw the empty bowl in the bushes or on the roof (to dispose of the evidence, so the group of kids would think you left your light on by accident or fell asleep or something - or maybe it was just fun). Admittedly it was not very nice, I can see that now...but the race for that candy bowl was one of the funnest things ever. I can still remember the feeling as those sprints started and the pounding of your heart when you reached the candy bowl in either glorious victory or agonizing defeat. Rarely is so sweet a victory achieved in this life (both literally and figuratively). I was sort of hoping that I would find some evidence of that kind of exuberance - but with everyone having parental guardians along, kids actually paid attention to the "Please Take One" sign.

Halloween just seems a little too sanitized and supervised for my tastes. I hope the kids get to experience a little bit of the feeling of Halloween Freedom for an entire night (really 6pm - 8pm but it felt like all night when I was a kid) because that is one of my favorite childhood memories.

The American Dream

Instead of spending Thursday evening at Billy Joe's with Hetro Life Pal CT (it was a crap movie that neither of us wanted to pay for - even though I do like the eyes of the dumb girl from Mean Girls), I spent the night building a kit dollhouse for my niece, America (human). America (human) doesn't have a dollhouse so I figured that instead of using a cardboard box as a shanty house, I would get her one for Christmas. I figured that I could buy a plastic prefab Barbie type house or I could get a kit and put a little effort into it and make something custom made for her. About 6 hours in, I was wishing I had opted for the Barbie crap shack. I did persevere at last - 300+ pieces, half a bottle of wood glue, 8 hours, and much cursing later it looked like this at 2am.

Not too bad for $30. Next up will be some light sanding, painting, and using some of the wood scraps to build some furniture and accessories...and maybe adding a light. Then the unveiling at Christmas, talking her into a subprime adjustable rate mortgage, and foreclosure next summer. The American Dream in action for America (human).

America F@CK Yeah!

This is America (human). She is my 5 year old niece that I just met for the first time over the weekend. You may be thinking to yourself "What is wrong with you? You never went to see your first niece before?" and this would be a valid question. The reason is that I just found out she existed at Christmas. My brother, Sean (America's (human) father), all up and decided to pull out this Christmas Miracle - "By the way, I have an announcement. I have a 5 year old daughter." It came as a little bit of a shock because a) that's a pretty hard secret to keep for 5 years, and b) it ruins my joke with my mom that "The evil Hulsebus line ends with us four brothers."

Anyhow, America (human) has been living in Mexico the past 5 years with her mother and Sean decided to bring her back with him from his annual Mexico trip (It all makes sense now...there goes my mule theories - or at least them being the only reason he goes every year). She will be with us for at least a year. Right now my mom is working on getting her enrolled in kindergarten. I know it is going to be stressful on my parents (since they are going to be doing the majority of caring for her while she is here) but I think they are happy about it all and I know my mom has always wanted a girl (and if it is a grand daughter instead of a daughter? I am sure she will adjust).


First impressions? She seems like a totally cool kid and is dealing with being in America (constitutional federal republic) pretty well. She doesn't speak much English and we Hulsebi speak little to no Spanish, so it can be a little frustrating on everyone's part but the GF-Unit and a few others have helped translate and communicate. My favorite part of meeting her though was when my brother Ryan got her to start doing the Ole, Ole, Ole, Ole soccer chant...she loved that. She definitely has some spicy Latina in her and is happy to dance and show off. She has a pretty big attitude for such a little person. She has made me laugh quite a bit over the past few days.


Welcome to America (constitutional federal republic), America (human)! I just can't say that name without thinking "Fuck Yeah" afterwards.