Tuesday, September 29, 2009
It has become pretty common practice in my neighborhood for people to leave their porch and/or garage lights on all night. I find this to be completely annoying because that much ambient light has really cut down on the view of the stars. Annoying as this is, it pales in comparison to the scourge of Motion Activated Security Lights (MASL) that have popped up.
I can see how MASLs can have their uses. My parents use one that turns on when you are about 8 feet from their porch, helping so you don't trip on the steps. This is way too conservative use for most people in my neighborhood. These people have them set so sensitive that not only is anyone approaching the house illuminated but also anyone using the public sidewalk and in one case anyone using the public street through the neighborhood.
Yep, every time a car passes through the neighborhood the security light is triggered. Not just any bulb will do for this light either, it has to have the 200 watt, 1000 Lumens, extra brilliant white light bulbs. This is also a light that happens to shine in my front windows...so that is lovely. It is so bright that all I can think is that they must be sending out the Bat Signal so they will be rescued (although I am sure Batman is just as sick of the middle of the night wake up call whenever someone drives down the street, as I am). It is a little funny when you are walking on the sidewalk (or street for that matter) and it catches you unaware. You literally feel like one of those old prison break movies where the sirens start up and the swirling searchlights come to focus on the escapee.
Is this really necessary? No, it is stupid overkill. It annoys people and wastes electricity. I would also suggest that it makes you much less safe. As I want to bludgeon you to death as you sleep every time it wakes me up.
I do have to thank my next door neighbor who finally adjusted his sensor so it no longer goes off every time I or my dogs go out onto my deck. It's a start.
Monday, September 28, 2009
- I have won the European International Lottery for $28 million Euros (twice!).
- A wealthy Prince wants me to help him get his money out of his country...for which he will pay me a 40% reward ($12 million).
- I have won the Canadian Internet Lottery for a measly $11 million.
- Three people have sent me $1000 gift cards to Wal-Mart.
- I have several opportunities to get rich quick from a new cell phone glitch.
- I can get Viagra at very cheap prices with worldwide shipping ( I wonder if they will accept my lottery winnings as payment?)
Hooray for me!
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
- I respond to an add about some one desperately needing a computer monitor. I had an extra lying around so I offer. I ask them if they would like to pick it up at my home or meet some where during my lunch break at work. You would figure that the person getting something free would make the slightest effort to meet half-way or try to make it convenient for the person giving the item to them. Nope. The response I got was something like "You can drop it off at my house between 9am and 11am," where said house is not only on the opposite side of town, but clear out in the middle of nowhere...and a two hour time window? I'm not installing cable, I am trying to give you something. This was given to someone else.
- Someone responds to one of my ads and I give him my address, directions, and we agree on a time to meet. Nearly three hours after the time we planned on meeting he finally shows up. But I do have to say that at least he did show up...may others did not show up at all. If you say you want something for free and ask the person to hold it for you, show the fuck up when you say or if you change your mind send a message or call. That is just rude.
- When an ad says something is large and heavy and you will need at least two or three people to move it, you shouldn't show up by your 110 pound self and then complain that I can't help you lift the thing into your truck. Read the ad. When I buy something I don't expect others to help me get it into my own truck. I bring my tools, my cart, and the help that I will need. All I ask is that it is in a location that I can get to without too much trouble. If I don't have all the help I need, I am sure to ask the seller/giver beforehand and then give them a small tip for the help (I just did this on Saturday with a pinball, I didn't have the help so I asked before I showed up and then tipped $10 for the help).
- Read the ad. When the ad says something is Non-Working, don't get angry when you show up and it isn't working. It was listed pretty clearly as NON-WORKING. The ad said it three times and explained the issue. It is not my fault you just saw the title and didn't read the ad.
- Don't threaten the person who placed the ad. This actually happened a couple ways, one guy threatened me over email when the item was already taken and I hadn't taken down the ad yet (even though it did list Pickup Pending). The other threat was from someone who picked up and item - and I helped load even though I wasn't asked - and went something like "This better work because we know where you live." I am not sure if this was said in a joking manner or not...either way it was really uncalled for. You are getting a TV for free, you had a chance to inspect it, I even got an extension cord and plugged it in so you could try it. This is a free item, there is no warranty.
- If I email you and tell you that someone is looking at the item but I'll let you know and that you are second on the list if they don't take it. You should not email me every 45 minutes to see if it is taken. I told you I would let you know as soon as I knew for certain. I already have 50 other emails to tell people the first time that someone is looking, I don' t need your repeated emails too. Oh, after your fifth email that I once again replied to saying "The other guy isn't coming till this evening. I will let you know one way or the other when he leaves," you went from second in line to off the list. Sorry.
- If I am giving you something, it means I do not want it and I don't want to sell it. I don't really want your advice on what I should have done or hear about how stupid I am because I could have gotten "a lot of money" from this item. Please just take your item and be happy, I really don't want to listen to your purposeless gloating.
That all being said there were a few cool people who showed up on time, quickly and efficiently moved their stuff and were actually appreciative (not necessary but much better than angry or threatening). Thank you to those people, that is what Craigslist should be.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Baby Beer Smuggler
This idea was obviously inspired by the genius of The Beer Belly but combined with the desire not to look like an out of shape loser. Sure you want to have free drinks but you also want to be able to attract the opposite sex right?
So my idea was to take a semi-realistic baby doll (kind of like a Reborn but not as creepy..and cheaper), hollow it out and insert a beer bladder, throw it in a bjorn type carrier and take it with you. There you go, easy access to beer (you can have a straw like the beer belly or maybe a little tap in the baby's foot), while not looking disgusting to the ladies.
The real genius of this idea:
- When entering a location - sporting event, restaurant, elementary school musical, etc... no one will ever really question a baby (and babies get in free!). Pat it softly and say that it is sleeping and don't want to bother him and no one will think twice.
- Babies allow you a lot of other (barely searched) baggage. Diaper and Bottle bags - fill non-translucent bottles with beer! Hide Twizzlers, nachos, and more in with the diapers. You can probably hide a case of beer on a stroller or a few in a car seat. No one is going to look through all those blankets and stuff.
- You can easily unstrap the baby and set it in a seat by you...try doing that with a beer belly that is hidden under your shirt.
- When finished with the stock inside the baby, simply toss it in the diaper bag. Then you can move about as normal...you are not committed to wearing the baby all night!
- Lights will be probably be dimmed at most functions, so there is very little danger of getting caught.
- Babies are a magnet for many women, again just use the "sleeping excuse" and no one will look too close. You get to meet women that you might not have approached otherwise. Also just say you are babysitting for a brother or friend and you are golden for an future dates (plus you come off as a responsible and trustworthy person).
- This baby never cries or poops but instead provides you with sweet, sweet alcohol.
- Might make you feel a little like a zombie...More Brains!