Two Minutes Hate

Subway Commercials

I am with Vlad and Teodor on the idea that Jared really doesn't make me feel good about food and has the sex appeal of a biscuit with two shits inside. However, I can usually ignore his commercials.

Until now. Have you seen the awful commercial with Jared, Michael Strahan, and Justin Tuck pretending to sing? It is pretty much the worst commercial of the year. I think it is supposed to be funny...take three guys who aren't known for their singing, then have them lip-sync to deep sonorous voices. What's not to be funny?

It is so bad that I refuse to link to it. The problem is that they are so awful at lip-syncing that it looks way more like a badly dubbed foreign film than a humorous commercial. They aren't even close to being even a little believable. Plus the song really isn't even good to begin with...but I have no idea what the song is saying because the visuals are so bad that it shuts down my brain. I am really not sure what message this commercial is supposed to be conveying to me. This commercial has the absolute opposite effect that a commercial should have. It makes me NOT want to go to Subway...but it's even more than that, it makes me angry at Subway. Even though the 5 Dollar Foot Long commercials got repetitive, at least they had a simple message and did make me want Subway every once in a while. This commercial makes me want to break the big front window in the local Subway restaurant.

I can't blame Jared...he is just some nobody who lucked into a pretty good job. I am sure they say jump and he jumps like crazy always careful not to upset his golden egg employers. But I have to think someone on the creative team or even Subway marketing had to think "This is awful, we really shouldn't do this." Why did no one step forward? Was Dick Cheney there going "Slam Dunk"? I just don't get it...this probably had to be approved by so many people.

The good news is that the greatest script for a Jared commercial has already been written. If only the marketing department would green light this idea.

End Hate

I am an Idiot

It probably doesn't come as much surprise that I am an idiot. You are probably thinking to yourselves "No duh, it is so obvious that you don't even need to mention it." But I thought I would share some of my idiocy.

I often don't know what year it is. I'm not stupid (OK, maybe) or that I can't remember the date. It's just that I spend of lot of my time at work forecasting sales of some 4000+ part numbers. I study trends, look over promotions, gauge customer support, judge product lifespans, etc... and then for about 2 weeks each month I enter the forecast into our system. This forecast is 6-12 months in the future, so I am constantly typing dates like 01/15/2010. After typing out 6 months worth of dates for 4000 part numbers, my brain starts to forget that it is actually 2009. It makes sense, 2010 has just been pounded into it 20,000 times, but it does make me feel like an idiot some times. I know it is 2009 after I think about it but my mind first jumps to 2010.

I often fear that I will faint, bump my head, or fall unconscious. Then upon being shaken awake by nearby people, someone will ask me what year it is to test my mental faculties and I will give the wrong year. Of course they will then think that I am crazy (or maybe I traveled back in time) and I will be locked away in some institution.

Just another reason why I suck.

The Sad State of Trick or Treat

This Halloween, I took my niece America (human) trick-or-treating. Papa had to work, Grandma and Grandpa were babysitting Braeden, the other grandchild...so that left me to be the trick-or-treat custodian. America (human) is still just young enough to need someone to go with her, but also she was in my neighborhood which she was not really familiar with (and all the twisty streets, dead ends, and cul-de-sacs can be confusing - even for me after 10 years). Mostly, I ended up being the candy mule...hauling the large bag of candy that she would dump her small bag into every few houses.

Behold - The Princess America

It was a beautiful night and perfect trick-or-treating weather with just a slight chill in the air to keep you cool when running from house to house. I really enjoyed trick-or-treating with America this year. She had a good haul of candy (5 or 6 pounds probably) and I think we burned off all the future calories running from house to house.

Although, it was a great night...I am more and more shocked about how over-protective people have become on Halloween. It was rare to see a kid without a parent or some kind of custodian along for the night. I'm not talking 5 and 6 year olds - kids that looked 10, 12 and one that looked like she was 14 had parents coddling them along all evening. Where is childhood independence? Admittedly, I grew up in a somewhat isolated semi-rural neighborhood and not the "big city" (ha ha)...but still, today's parents seem way too hovering. I don't think I had a parental guardian after second-grade. Instead I had a tight knit group of candy loving friends who would all take care of each other each Halloween. Let me say this once: Halloween is safe. People aren't poisoning candy, there are no razor blades (both overblown examples of hoaxes, coincidences, and pranks), and the pedophiles are not any more dangerous on Halloween than every other night. These are the same people that live in your neighborhood 364 other days of the year. Let your child go out with a group of friends, have fun, and blow off steam.

Let the kids be kids. Halloween is a chance to run a little wild and to be rewarded for being a child. As a child, my friends and I would run from house to house as fast as week could...arriving completely out of breath. Sidewalks and driveways be damned, all flower beds and shrubbery were endangered of being trampled as we strode through yards from house to house. Halloween was a non-stop foot race and you had to take that into account when you were planned your costume. You didn't want anything to bulky that would slow you down (neighborhood kin remember Kristina in her awesome Rubik's Cube costume? great looking costume but not built for the candy hunt), nothing loose that could fall off, nothing to hamper leg motion, and easily removable layers and breathable masks were very important as you were going to be sweating (a lot).

We also believed in a little bit of tricking...if you weren't handing out candy, you might be the subject of getting the apples we received a few doors down thrown into your roof gutters or maybe the mini tube of toothpaste squirted in your mailbox. You can't do that with parents around. Being a guardian this year, I left a bowl of candy and miniature flashlights on my porch for all the ghosts and ghouls. When I got back, it still had some candy and a few flashlights. This is all a far cry from when I was young. If you were foolish enough to leave a bowl of candy unattended on your porch in my neighborhood, chances were very good that the first person in my group to reach your porch would dump the entire bowl into their candy bag and throw the empty bowl in the bushes or on the roof (to dispose of the evidence, so the group of kids would think you left your light on by accident or fell asleep or something - or maybe it was just fun). Admittedly it was not very nice, I can see that now...but the race for that candy bowl was one of the funnest things ever. I can still remember the feeling as those sprints started and the pounding of your heart when you reached the candy bowl in either glorious victory or agonizing defeat. Rarely is so sweet a victory achieved in this life (both literally and figuratively). I was sort of hoping that I would find some evidence of that kind of exuberance - but with everyone having parental guardians along, kids actually paid attention to the "Please Take One" sign.

Halloween just seems a little too sanitized and supervised for my tastes. I hope the kids get to experience a little bit of the feeling of Halloween Freedom for an entire night (really 6pm - 8pm but it felt like all night when I was a kid) because that is one of my favorite childhood memories.

Two Minutes Hate

People Who Use Texting Slang/Shorthand in Business Emails

I am not a big fan of all the abbreviations and texting slang in the first place. I don't mind a LOL OMG, BTW, or WTF thrown in a personal message every once in a while but once they reach the point of IDK My BFF Jill levels I am completely turned off. However, there is no reason that this type of lexicon should be used in business emails.

It looks completely unprofessional. Even though you may be sending a message to someone internally (although I have seen it on external emails also), you never know when that message will be forwarded or CC to someone outside the company.

Personally, I find it more difficult to read...being slightly dyslexic, I've had to train my brain quite a bit to learn words. If you do not have any problems in this area you have no idea how much work it can be to decipher a message. "U'll" does not equal "You'll" in my mind very easily. Yes, I know they sound the same so my mind should quickly make the connection but my reading and writing doesn't work that way. It takes me much longer to read a shorthand message than regular writing. And writing it is just a disaster...I just can not do it, my mind has a specific set of rules and doesn't change or substitute well.

My usual response to someone who sends me an email asking me something with this kind of shorthand is "OMG, U must think Ai iz stoopid." (I've practised this one enough that I can pound it out fast). That is pretty much the only response I give until they ask me in an appropriate manner. The best part is that they won't even get half the time and keep sending me the same message.

It's not that I am completely against this form of shorthand. I think it is great for texting (although I still can't do it) because of its personal and informal nature, and limited space. Just remember there is a time and a place people. In the office is not it.

End Hate

There Was a Sequel? Part Deux

There Was a Sequel? Part Deux

I am really not sure how I feel about Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day. The original movie was a surprisingly great film. I highly recommend it to anyone that likes a good shoot-em-up movie (and really who doesn't?). Good "We're on a mission from God" revenge story. Willem Dafoe was awesome and hilarious. I don't know anyone who can keep a straight face when he starts his detective work.

I am always hesitant about getting my hopes up for sequels since they are usually awful (and yet I am drawn to them and their horribleness). It is a little hard to be totally pessimistic when the major actors are returning and it is written and directed by the same person as the original. Of course, I thought that about Lucas & Spielberg at one point too...but South Park summed that up very nicely.

The trailer looks good though and I feel the need to see it. I am a little worried about the subtitle though...that seems like they are stretching to try to be clever. Seriously, the subtitle makes it seem like a movie with none of the originals involved and just trying to cash in on the Boondock Saints name. That is what I first thought when I heard of it. I mean might as well call it Boondock Saints II: Saint-Boogaloo. I feel that a subtitle is not really needed but how about "Veneration" or "Sanctified" or even "Canonized"? They are still pretty cheesy but not as cheesy as All Saints Day (in my mind at least).

Boondock Saints II - in limited release today (aka Not Iowa). Hopefully we will get it soon.

Red Light Cameras

I don't believe in "Red Light Cameras" - the cameras that take pictures of people's license plates who are going through a red light. Partly, I don't believe in these traffic cameras because I don't think citizens need any more invasion into the privacy of their lives by the police department and/or the government. I also believe that law enforcement should be done by humans not by cameras and computers (sorry Robocop). But mostly, I don't believe in them because I don't believe in the given reasons for the cameras: "To Make Us Safer"




It is just not true. It is much easier to make an intersection safer by having a longer yellow light, then a pause between the traffic light turning red and the next light turning green. This will make intersections safer.



If the various police departments and cities would actually say that the Red Light Cameras are to help the police department make money, I would support them. Though my support would be with reservations because of the big brother and privacy issues. However it would be a truthful statement of purpose. It is much cheaper to have a camera citing people 24 hours a day than have a police officer sitting there.



Another thing that they should promote the cameras as doing is "Stopping the assholes who keep turning left even though their light has been red for quite a while." If they could stop this behavior with a camera and keep traffic flowing I would be a strong supporter. I can even name a couple intersections that need these cameras. Just yesterday, I was sitting at an intersection and my light changed to green but I didn't get to go for 90% of the light because people where still turning left in front of me. Out of the 10 cars waiting to go straight, two made it through the light because of these idiots. OK, I guess on second thought the cameras might make it safer because it would eliminate my increasing road rage desire to floor it and T-bone one these inconsiderate fuckers. It's not like this is a one time deal...it happens every time at a couple lights and it is getting worse because idiots imitate idiots when they see there is no repercussions.

Two Minutes Hate

Pledge Drives

I understand why PBS and NPR stations have pledge drives. I realize that they need people to give them money to survive. I have in the past but usually don't any more because I completely hate the pledge drive format. I love the programming these type of stations provide...it is definitely better than most other stations original programming. I just wish I didn't have to listen to them trying to sell themselves.

First and by far foremost, if I pledge or not you are still going to annoy me for the following two to four weeks. When I have donated in the past, it has driven me nuts that I still have to listen/watch the pledge drive crap. If there is some kind of technology that would get me back to regular programming without interruptions as soon as I pledged, I would pledge right away. Then I would be happily to miss lines like "They call it 'Breaking News' but the news isn't broke(sic) here at Iowa Public Radio." That made me want to stab people.

Then you claim all the rest of the year that you are commercial free...which is pretty true. I would counter however that short commercial breaks may actually be less disruptive than you talking up donating for 20 minutes in a row. Seriously, last week I was driving home one night and I didn't hear any programming but instead heard about how Joe Blow in Waukee donated and he is a first time donor, and Jill Shill from Cedar Falls loves NPR and can't live without it (I'd like to test that theory), etc... It is almost as bad a reality TV.

Keep the interruptions to the professionals. I can't stand an amateur getting on there and rambling incoherently. If I want to hear pointless, humorless stories from people who are not good story tellers, I'll talk to the people I work with. The volunteers/amateur people that help out sound so awful that it really makes me want to turn the channel. It sounds like a disaster.

I hate the "Challenges." You know, the type of thing where somebody (or group) says that they will donate $5000 if they get 150 calls in an hour. What kind of pussy pledge is that? That does not inspire me to donate at all. I mean if the large donors are being hesitant and putting conditions on their donations, why should I donate? I mean, I could donate $1 million but some ridiculous condition on it that they can never fulfill...but what good does that do for anyone. Plus pledge counts? How is that a useful stat at all? Couldn't someone who wants to donate $100 just call in 20 times and donate $5 each time...I guess they wouldn't get their crappy prize, but wouldn't it be better for the station during a challenge? But then again if they have credit card processing fees it could be worse...but that just shows the idiocy of call count challenges in my mind. I do respect the couple that always does the "new member" bonus for Iowa Public Radio...pledging $20 for each new member is actually a good incentive (one of the few good things about a pledge drive).

"Thank You Gifts" are crap. I could buy the same thing for about 10% of the pledge amount required. I guess it is supposed to be a token of their appreciation or something...but really they are trying to entice you into buying yourself a gift with their 20 minute infomercial. If the "gifts" (or more accurately purchases) didn't matter, they really should have to talk about them so much. Instead of a set gift (because they never really offer what I would want), why not just build up credit in the company store? If you please $100, you get $5 credit in our store...well I guess that would show people how much they are actually getting ripped off with the thank you gifts. But the nice thing about this is that it could build up over time. Maybe I can't afford to donate $250 now but if I donate $125 now and $125 in six months, I can build the credit to go for the higher gift...just like tickets in an arcade, save them for the bigger prize which entices you to come back and spend more money.

If you are set on giving Thank You Gifts...make it something that you can't buy in the store (and I am not talking about a special colored t-shirt). Make it something special. Have a concert only for people who donate on Thursday...no other way to get tickets. Have enough special events and you could have multiple donations from the same person. Have a special screening of a show or movie, have a member party. Experiences that you can't just go out and buy. Experiences are much more enticing to me than objects. I definitely don't need another t-shirt or a coffee cup. I have too many objects as it is, but I am always up for new experiences.

Don't save all your good programming for your pledge drive. For example, I love the John Denver specials that PBS shows every pledge drive. Sometime I would like to see them without the interruptions...but they never seem to be shown at any other time of year. You always say "Support this programming" but it seems that I would only be supporting pledge drive programming. Just as I am getting into the show, you decide to take a 20 minute break to the call center where I quickly lose interest and turn the channel. Maybe I will turn back, but most likely not. If I like the program so much, why don't I donate and get the DVD? That makes my donation seem useless in my mind...it seems like then I should just buy everything I want to watch instead of supporting IPTV. Aren't I paying them for the programming? I should get to watch it on their station, not on DVD. You may try to argue, that I am really supporting the production of this type of program. True and I do want to support that, but you have been showing the same shows for over 15 years (An Evening at the Pops with John Denver was recorded in 1991 I believe).

There are many other ways to raise money. I am all for donating, but I don't want to support the pledge drive format. I am the same way with commercials - if you have an annoying commercial, I will not buy your product. I don't want you to think that the pledge drive is what made me donate and that it is a model that works. I do not want to encourage the pledge drive. It is keeping me from donating at this time. I really do want to support you, my local stations...please find another way for me to give you money.

End Hate

Welcome to Dead Moines

This week, the Thursday Evening Movie Club* went to the "one night only" showing of Dead Moines. CT and I, plus a good turn out of friends...thanks for coming everyone! I wish I had been able to arrive earlier and felt better so that I could spend a little more time hanging out.

Dead Moines is a locally created horror flick. I wouldn't call it low budget but small budget definitely applies. I won't say it is the greatest thing that I have ever seen but it is definitely not the worst...in fact it was a million times better than 2012:Doomsday, a movie that Jessica wanted to watch the other night (yes, one of those low budgets trying to cash in on the interest and publicity of the big budget movie soon to be released...it received a 1.8 out of 10 stars on IMDB but I think that was generous).





Dead Moines was decent...pretty much what I would expect from a locally made (and amateur) production. It was definitely a great project for people to start honing their talents. Sure it had its share of issues that any small budget film has...but they never represented themselves as Hollywood professionals. You have to take this for what it was...a good starting point. It looked like a bunch of friends got together to make a movie. I really hope these guys continue to develop their skills because there was promise. Plus you always want to support your local artists, musicians, filmmakers, sports teams, restaurants, and strippers. Local is good, be part of the community

My one biggest complaint is that they didn't do a very good job of setting up the story...the story itself was OK, but they didn't set it up well. Basically, three friends from Des Moines go to Chicago for the weekend and when they come back home to DM everyone is missing. The problem is that they really didn't show Des Moines alive. There was basically one shot of children on swings and a scene where a neighbor lady walks past with her dog. The way it was shot, DM looked as dead before they left as when they came back. Could have used some shots of traffic, people walking downtown, people outside mowing their lawns, etc...

Supposedly they had merchandise and DVDs for sale in the lobby but I didn't see them...I was feeling more than a little wonky and cut out as soon as the film was over. If you are interested, I know that you can pick up the DVD at Jays CD and Hobby...I'll probably pick one up next time I am there to support local industry.

*Has never been called this before.

Two Minutes Hate

Sorry for the late hate (no I'm not).

Fine Print at the Bottom of Car Commercials

Have you ever read the fine print at the bottom of a car commercial? It is a bunch of total bullshit.

First of all, no matter what the car is doing...even just driving done a road, it is always "Professional Driver on a Closed Course." Is this implying that I shouldn't or couldn't drive this car down a road? I understand this warning when the car/truck is doing something extraordinary, doing stunts, crashing, or something other than the type of driving that I would expect to encounter. But it is now on every commercial. Every commercial. I want a car that normal people can drive well, not something that can only be handled by a professional.

Second, is that the vehicles shown always contain optional accessories or equipment. I don't mind them show this but they always promote the low price but show the expensive version. To me this is like going to McDonalds and having a picture of the Big Mac next to where it says "Hamburger $0.89" Yes, the Big Mac is a burger but it definitely not the burger that you are getting for 89 cents. Same with cars, your are not going to get what you see for the money they advertise. Larger engine, upgraded wheels, better suspension, upgraded sound system, leather seats, power windows & locks, special order paint color, added navigation, etc... And that is just some of the options that are added to commercials. If you want the car in the commercial you are going to have to thousands more than the price they advertise...you can increase the price of the the car by at least a third, maybe more. It is just ridiculous - I believe you should advertise what you get for the price given.

I know, I know, honest advertising is pretty much an oxymoron.

End Hate

Mama Says It's From the Devil

I am not a big football fan. Until about 3 years ago, I could claim never to have watched an entire football game. I went to a grand total of two in high school and one in college...but even then ended up talking to people instead of watching.

Football was just too slow for me. I understand all the time management aspects of the game and get the strategy involved, but that doesn't stop it from driving me nuts. I hate there being time left in the game and the teams walking off the field because the offensive team would be able to kill all the remaining time. I think if there is time, you should be forced to play. Walking out with time remaining just seems like the baby way of doing it, play out the clock. Plus, it drives me crazy when a team is at Fourth and Short and they kick. Seriously? You don't have enough faith in your team to make one yard? Go for it, kicking makes you look worried and that you have to play it safe (in my opinion at least). Personally, I am for always going for it on 3 or less yards.

Anyhow, this is not a post to complain about football, it is actually about my football experience over the weekend. My hetero-life-pal CT invited me to the Iowa State Cyclones game on Saturday. I made sure to let him know about my "meh" feelings on football and to make sure that I am a last resort. I am comfortable in my position as last resort in this situation. I was the only one able (maybe willing, I am not sure) to make it.

I had a very good time even though it was more than a little chilly (I think it was 32 degrees F after the game). CT and friends had a very good tailgating system down and we enjoyed burgers, brats, and pork sandwiches. All excellent...thanks for cooking CT, it really hit the spot. I had a good time tailgating and just talking. I even enjoyed the game itself. I've watched enough football in the past few years that I don't get lost or bored...and understand the slowness of the game, even if I don't agree with it. I know next to nothing about standings, or how well a team is doing but I didn't need it to have fun. Really the only thing that was disappointing about the day was that the cheerleaders were wearing windbreaker outfits...I was looking forward to seeing some scantily clad women do weird things with their bodies (I suppose I could always head to the strip club).

Probably my favorite part of the whole experience was CT wanting to punch Ed Wilson, the local weatherman, the next time he saw him. The forecast given for the game was about 10 degrees warmer, sunny, and no wind...and CT and many others dressed according to this forecast. It was chilly, cloudy, and windy. Ed Wilson, ended up walking by before the game...and we were all "Get him, get him" but CT restrained himself due to the fact that Ed was with his kids. Ed, if you ever get punched by a stranger who then yells "You know why!" I know nothing about it (but this is fair warning).

Thanks again for the invite, it was a cold but fun day.