Happy Banned Books Week

This week is Banned Books week...the week when we celebrate the freedom of choice and the freedom of expression. Just because someone write something that you don't agree with does not mean that it is wrong or that other people will not enjoy reading it. Banning books is one of the first steps to destroying our freedoms and individuality. Here are the top ten books that had complaints filed against them in 2007 (wow, not a Harry Potter? it has been a while since that happened)...and the top ten of the 21st century (through 2005 at least) I suggest you read them all.

10 Most Challenged Books of 2007

1. “And Tango Makes Three,” by Justin Richardson/Peter Parnell - Reasons: Anti-Ethnic, Sexism, Homosexuality, Anti-Family, Religious Viewpoint, Unsuited to Age Group
   
2. "The Chocolate War,” by Robert Cormier - Reasons: Sexually Explicit, Offensive Language, Violence
3. “Olive’s Ocean,” by Kevin Henkes - Reasons: Sexually Explicit and Offensive Language
4. “The Golden Compass,” by Philip Pullman - Reasons: Religious Viewpoint
5. “The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn,” by Mark Twain - Reasons: Racism
6. “The Color Purple,” by Alice Walker - Reasons: Homosexuality, Sexually Explicit, Offensive Language,
7. "TTYL,” by Lauren Myracle - Reasons: Sexually Explicit, Offensive Language, Unsuited to Age Group
8. "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings,” by Maya Angelou - Reasons: Sexually Explicit
9. “It’s Perfectly Normal,” by Robie Harris - Reasons: Sex Education, Sexually Explicit
10. "The Perks of Being A Wallflower,” by Stephen Chbosky - Reasons: Homosexuality, Sexually Explicit, Offensive Language, Unsuited to Age Group

10 Most Challenged Books of the 21st Century (2000-2005)

1. Harry Potter series by J.K. Rowling
2. "The Chocolate War,” by Robert Cormier
3. Alice series by Phyllis Reynolds Naylor
4. "Of Mice and Men" by John Steinbeck
5. "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings,” by Maya Angelou
6. "Fallen Angels" by Walter Dean Myers
7. “It’s Perfectly Normal,” by Robie Harris
8. Scary Stories series by Alvin Schwartz
9. Captain Underpants series by Dav Pilkey
10. "Forever" by Judy Blume

I find it depressing that some people in this country must try to tell others what to think or read. I think most people are smart enough to read what they like and avoid what they don't, so do we really need to ban a book? Only because you are afraid of it. Books are books and most people will not believe everything they read, so lets read and have a discussion instead of living in fear. I have read about half of them from both lists, I hope to read the rest soon.

My Dreams...Crushed

It was a Woot Off the other day over at http://www.woot.com/. A Woot Off is when Woot! sells all the small remaining quantities of left over products at reduced prices for the limited quantities. On a Woot Off the product changes as soon as one product is sold out...instead of Woot's normal business model of a single product for 24 hours. So you must keep reloading constantly to try to get a great deal.


The crowning jewel of the woot off is the Bags of Crap (BOC). These are not the Flaming Bags of Crap that you might find on your front porch when someone rings your doorbell in the middle of the night. Woot Bags of Crap are random mystery items thrown together and sold for $1. You can get up to three bags of crap and pay one one shipping charge...so three bags of crap with shipping only costs you $8. What do you get for your hard earned money? You have to wait to find out when it arrives. You could get an MP3 player, you could get a product missing chords, instructions, batteries, etc... What you are really buying is hope. You hope you get something amazing like the 65" LCD television. You probably won't. Most likely you will get a box of random stuff that you really don't need or have a use for...crap. But there is always the hope that you will strike oil. This hope is well worth the $8.

Hetero-Life Pal CT has received a few bags of crap and gotten such things as a ipod speaker pillow, a case of 2008 Tuscany calendars (which I am enjoying at my desk right now), and a GI Joe bracelet...amongst other things. I had never actually seen a Bag of Crap pop up on Woot!. Demand is high, supplies low. They disappear within seconds. I had only heard the stories and I basked in their warm glow while telling myself "One day that will be me, opening my wonderful bag of crap!" Well this last Woot Off (Tues & Wed), I finally hit refresh and Bag of Crap appears on my screen. I squeal like a pre-pubescent little girl and hit "I Want One." Imagining the opening my BOC, I am almost quivering with hope, joy, nervousness, and an "I am King of the World" brashness. This glorious moment will be marked as a triumph in history...when good vanquished evil. I get the following message. "Server Too Busy." Hope dies a little. I hit reload. "Server Too Busy." Reload. Order page pops up, hope flares...Submit order quickly! "Server Too Busy." Hope failing...reload. "Server Too Busy." Reload. "Server Too Busy." Reload.....loading....waiting....loading....waiting. "Product Sold Out."

NOOOOOoooooooooo! Khan!

I Like Musicals (and I am not gay)

For some reason, I really like musicals. Broadway type shows or movies. I am not gay. I think I like them because I have no singing or dancing talent myself...as anyone who has seen me dance or sing karaoke can confirm. I just really like music in general, so while watching a play or movie I get that extra added connection with a musical.

I didn't realize how much I liked musicals until a couple years ago when I was entering information on my myspace site. When listing what movies I like, I realized that most if not all were musicals. Hedwig and the Angry Inch, Nightmare Before Christmas, Labyrinth, Amadeus, Death to Smoochy, Singin' in the Rain, etc... There is just something about them that gets stuck inside my head.

Music is very powerful to me so even just a really good soundtrack can boost a movie's appeal in my mind...but when it is a great movie/play with a great soundtrack it is hard to beat. Think about The Crow. It was a great movie and the soundtrack was awesome. Every time I hear any of those songs (like Burn by the Cure or Big Empty by STP), I am reminded of The Crow and can't imagine the movie without its soundtrack. I don't think it would have been nearly as moving and powerful. Music has the ability to make the good great and the mediocre almost good. Think Rocky Horror Picture Show...the movie is god awful but I have watched it many many times just because I enjoy the music so much. It is similar to how mini corn-dogs at Billy Joe's are able to make the mental scarring that Norbit inflicts worthwhile. Music just makes things better. Did you watch Beavis and Butthead for their stupid cartoon adventures? Hell no, you watched it for the rocking videos...and the commentary they provided to go along. That is why the Beavis and Butthead movie was just average. They took out the best part of the show and the movie soundtrack ended up being a parody of what it should have been. I give it a D+, if it had great music it could have been so much more.

The whole reason I bring this up is because I really want to go see Sweeney Todd at Stephen's Auditorium in Ames on Wednesday. I have actually been wanting to see the play for several years but it has never been close (actually I don't know if it has even toured before). Unfortunately, my financial situation at this time will probably forbid me from doing so. This makes me very sad. I am very much in the mood for some songs about revenge, killing, and cannibalism.

To sooth my empty aching soul, I have been enjoying Dr Horrible's Sing-Along Blog. Dr Horrible is a mini-musical that Joss Whedon (creator of Buffy the Vampire Slayer) made while the writer's strike was going on last winter. Three acts were released in July over the interwebicon for the world's amusement. It is incredible...Neil Patrick Harris (NPH) as an evil genius in love. Check out the trailer...although it is not nearly as good as the blog itself. Unfortunately, the actual episodes are no longer on the website but can be downloaded from Itunes (a DVD is supposedly coming soon). There are snippets on youtube and other places but I highly recommend finding the whole thing sometime.

I Have Achieved Cartoon Idiocy

Last week I did something that I always thought was not actually possible...just one of those stupid things that happens in cartoons. You know the scene where Daffy or Tom from Tom and Jerry steps on a rake and it smacks them in the face? I remember thinking as a kid that it was so dumb and cliche because who is stupid enough to step on a rake? Well folks, turns out that I am that stupid. I was cleaning out a section of my garage, turned around and the edge of the my foot hit the rake and BAM! Right in the eye. I expected to see stars or little birds flying around my head. I didn't but it was hard enough that I felt a little faint and was sore for days. Luckily it didn't give me a black eye or I would have had to use the excuse that I "ran into a door" when I was with the GF-Unit.

Anyhow, I just want to say that Sylvester, Wile E Coyote, Tom the Cat, Sideshow Bob, and all the rest of the lovable cartoon bad guys that I feel your pain with the rakes. And yes it really does hurt! No longer will I live in ignorance and laugh when a cartoon character is smacked in the face with a gardening tool. We must stop cartoon violence now! It is not funny people!

Plans for this week:

1. Strap some rockets to my roller skates
2. Fire myself out of a cannon
3. Stick my fingers in the barrel of a shotgun
4. Try to run through a tunnel painted onto a cliff
5. Get a giant U shaped magnet

Sincerely,

Michael - Super Genius

I think I should have taken that left turn at Albuquerque.

Yes, I'm Lazy

Yes, I have been extremely lazy lately and have not really felt like posting. I have been going through a patch of insomnia so everything is a little hazy around the edges as it is, so going off on some crazy rant would probably be even more worthless and sucky than normal.

Maybe soon though.

Ticket Prices - You Suck!

So they recently announced that Metallica is going to be playing Des Moines. I like Metallica (used to love Metallica but that was before they started writing crappy music) and have seen them many times in concerts. Even though I don't necessarily like their newer music (have you actually listened to St Anger? It is horrible), their concerts were always killer. Where else can you hear a few thousand people chanting "Die, Die, Die"...I'm sure there are other places to hear that but I doubt I would feel safe. Note it's not as cool as a Marilyn Manson concert where a few thousand are chanting "We hate love, we love hate" but still "Die, die, die" is spine tingling.

I was excited about the news, it has been several years since I last saw Metallica in concert...that excitement died when ticket prices where announced. $56 for reserved seating, $76 for general admission. WTF? $20 more for me to stand? I like standing and think it offers the best concert experience but since when can they charge 20 bucks more? Also, I don't mind paying money for a good show, I am not cheap but really is Metallica at the $75 and $95 level of entertainment (after tax and fees)? To someone like me...No, they are not worth it. Not when their concerts have become less about the music and more about spectacle over the years. Remember seeing Metallica just stand up their and fucking rock? But then there was the tour with the collapsing stage and the fake fire and "let's pretend our amps don't work" bullshit. That was all crap to me. I don't need it and in fact it was distracting. I want them to stand up there and just play music that rips the ass out of you. I don't think they can do it anymore...at least not well enough for me to pay $75 - to be forced to sit in a seat. Sorry Metallica...just one more thing about you that pisses me off.

Ok, what the fuck is up with ticket fees? Have you noticed? Tickets fees (the fees charged by the ticket company ontop of the ticket price) are out of control. Fees for 1 Metallica ticket are $14...remember back in the early 1990s when Pearl Jam had a big fight with Ticket Master over these type of fees? Back then fees were between $3-$5. It is bullshit. What is my $14 paying for? Okay, $1 of that is listed as a facility fee. WTF? Facility Fee? I am buying a ticket to a show at your facility...why doesn't my ticket price cover this fee? It is like ordering a hamburger from McDonalds and having them charge you an extra dollar because you used their restaurant. What a load of shit. The other $13 is listed as a "Convenience Fee." Convenient for whom? Defintiely not me. $13 - if it was a convenience fee, it makes it sound like you are doing something that causes them extra work but is more convenient for you - so you should be able to get out of it right? Nope. If you order on-line, at a ticket master location, or even at the venue box office you are still charged this convenience fee (with the exception of the Val Air box office - you guys rock!). I understand Ticket Master needs to cover their costs and make a little money - I am fine with paying some sort of fee...but $13 seems exhorbanant. Plus calling it a convenience fees is just like rubbing salt in the wound. You know they are laughing everyday about this. But it is not just Ticketmaster - Dahl's Tickets, IowaTix, etc... has now gotten into the game prices may very slightly but still they are all gouging you. IowaTix is the best, but they are going downhill. They used to be a reasonable $3 when they first started operating, now they seem to be averaging in the $8-$9 range.

I don't know, maybe I am just getting older and complaining about how things used to cost a nickel when I was a kid, but ticket prices and fees seem to have far surpassed normal inflation in the past ten years.

America F@CK Yeah!

This is America (human). She is my 5 year old niece that I just met for the first time over the weekend. You may be thinking to yourself "What is wrong with you? You never went to see your first niece before?" and this would be a valid question. The reason is that I just found out she existed at Christmas. My brother, Sean (America's (human) father), all up and decided to pull out this Christmas Miracle - "By the way, I have an announcement. I have a 5 year old daughter." It came as a little bit of a shock because a) that's a pretty hard secret to keep for 5 years, and b) it ruins my joke with my mom that "The evil Hulsebus line ends with us four brothers."

Anyhow, America (human) has been living in Mexico the past 5 years with her mother and Sean decided to bring her back with him from his annual Mexico trip (It all makes sense now...there goes my mule theories - or at least them being the only reason he goes every year). She will be with us for at least a year. Right now my mom is working on getting her enrolled in kindergarten. I know it is going to be stressful on my parents (since they are going to be doing the majority of caring for her while she is here) but I think they are happy about it all and I know my mom has always wanted a girl (and if it is a grand daughter instead of a daughter? I am sure she will adjust).


First impressions? She seems like a totally cool kid and is dealing with being in America (constitutional federal republic) pretty well. She doesn't speak much English and we Hulsebi speak little to no Spanish, so it can be a little frustrating on everyone's part but the GF-Unit and a few others have helped translate and communicate. My favorite part of meeting her though was when my brother Ryan got her to start doing the Ole, Ole, Ole, Ole soccer chant...she loved that. She definitely has some spicy Latina in her and is happy to dance and show off. She has a pretty big attitude for such a little person. She has made me laugh quite a bit over the past few days.


Welcome to America (constitutional federal republic), America (human)! I just can't say that name without thinking "Fuck Yeah" afterwards.

Happy Birthday C.T.

So it is my Hetero-Life Pal C.T.'s birthday today. So I just wanted to take a moment to say Happy Frickin Birthday. I hope you are having fun at Iowa State today. We went to Billy Joe's to watch the movie and hang in the lounge...our normal weekly get together. We don't really need to celebrate because every day is a celebration with us (or something like that). The movie was Wanted and I went in with LOW expectations so thought it was okay and had decent effects...still more realistic action than Transporter 2 (aka probably the worst movie that I have ever seen in the theater)! CT and I have shared in many bad movie experiences together though so we are used to it. I am sure CT will have some interesting lessons that he learned from this movie up in the next day or two (jeez, give him a break it is his Bday and he deserves a day off...even though he has been lazy lately). We had fun hanging out in the lounge and hearing not-horrible karaoke while just shooting the shit, it has been a while since I have had other priorities lately (like getting laid). Anyways glad you got a lot of pussy!

Happy Birthday Cameron! Your present is on the way, I swear!

BTW- Sorry for stealing the picture from your site, I don't know if I actually have any handy.

The Middleman

The Middleman is a new (newish - it is on episode 10 or something like that now) show on ABCFamily that I happen to really enjoy. Luckily, I just happened to be watching something like Seventh Heaven reruns or the 700 Club or some equally crappy show that usually makes up the bulk of ABCFamily's usual programing a couple months ago when a commercial for the premier episode came on. I must have thought it looked decent because I set my DVR to record it (had it not been like 4am, I probably would have had more suspicions since it was ABCFamily). I quickly forgot about it. A few weeks later, I am cleaning up my recorded shows and come across the 3 episodes that have taped so far...being bored , I decided to give it a try before deleting. It is a great show - it is very smart and witty, with lots of references to literature, history, and pop culture like movies and comic books (it is based on a comic book after all - but I have never read it although that will probably change soon).

It is about a guy, The Middleman, who fights evil and supernatural things to save the world and keep the world from panicking. The Middleman recruits Wendy Watson (AKA - Dub Dub or Dubby) to be his apprentice to fight evil and set the world to rights...which all sounds pretty boring and lack luster, but the writing is really tongue in cheek, witty, and often makes you think a little to get the jokes. This show has everything (and these are just a few examples from the latest episodes):

• Vampire Puppets (or Puppet Vampires - I haven't decided which is more correct) - check
• Bitchy Robot Secretaries - check
• Evil Succubi posing as fashion models - check
• Fish Zombies - check
• Hooters type restaurant with a pirate theme called The Booty Chest - check
• Inside jokes repeated from episode to episode - check
• Running jokes throughout the episode - check
• Off the wall sense of humor - check

It is just a well written show. Some of my favorite bits -

1. The Middleman and Wendy meet a pancake house, it is called The Batter of the Bulge. Where you can get Panzercakes and Luftwaffles. Plus bulge is just funny because if you eat there too often that is what you will start to do.
2. Wendy's neighbor, Noser, is a talented musician that supposedly knows every song. During a party they play "Stump the Musician" and the audience yells out song names. Holding his guitar, Noser gives a thoughtful look, nods, and goes "Yep, I know it." and they move on to the next song...which again is a "Yep, I know it." Doesn't play a note the whole night but everyone is impressed with his musical knowledge.
3. Vlad Tempes soul stuck in a puppet named Little Vladdy.
4. Every time they go to Wendy's apartment it always says something like "Illegal sublet that Wendy shares with another young photogenic artist"

There are many, many more...it kind of reminds me of The Simpson's when it first came out with all these great inside gags and references to pop culture, as well as, history. It is not the tired and obvious jokes of the likes of Two and Half Men or Will and Grace. It is fun and funny and sometimes makes you think a little before you get the joke. Check it out on Monday nights at 9pm central. I don't think you will be disappointed (unless you have no soul or take everything too seriously - in which case you are beyond my help).

And no, I did not get paid anything or given any kind of kickback for writing this (although a lapdance from Wendy (Natalie Morales) would not be turned down...OK I'd settle for a night of watching a movie and eating mini-corn dogs with her. I just happen to like the show.

Why I Hate You, Iowa State Fair

I am not one of those people that can spend all day, every day at the fair. I went three times this year (a record for me) and although I had fun each day and there were always more things that I wanted to do...I still can't understand how someone would want to do that for a week. The fair tires me out and pisses me off in equal measures to it entertaining and thrilling me. So here is what I hate about the fair:

It's way too expensive - this year I was on a very tight budget, so although I usually don't mind splurging a little...this year every posted price seemed like a twist of the knife in my gut. Seriously? $3 to ride the teacup type rides for a minute? $6 for the Ferris wheel? It is a Ferris wheel. That makes the giant slide look like a bargain at $2.50 (PS - I love the giant slide). $3 each way for the Skyglider that only takes you a quarter of the way across the fairgrounds. $4 for a corn dog (except at that one stand in the midway where they were only a dollar...which made me a little suspicious but hunger won out...and I was able to feed me, the GF-unit, and the Kinda-Kid* for $5), $4 for a soda - refills only $3! Okay refill prices varied but still you are literally spending 4 cents on materials, plus 6 cents labor - 3000% markup seems reasonable. Thank god that I got free admission tickets from work or we wouldn't have been able to do any of those things! Still cheaper than Ribfest!

Rude People - I know it is packed and it sucks waiting in line but what makes you think that you can cut right in front of me to see the baby pigs? If you had asked, I might have let you in but no you had to shove your way past and then act all indignant when I mention that the end of the line is about 5 minutes back. Unfortunately, this seemed to happen in just about every line I stood in - entrance, food, drink, viewing, rides, etc... the whole fair experience would be much better if certain people could understand the concept of a line (and the lines themselves would probably move faster too).

Butter Sculptures - Admittedly, I am always a little impressed at how intricacies of the butter cow sculpture. But that is where I draw the line. I do not need butter Harry Potters or butter portraits of whoever is hot at the moment. I don't think the fair needs to cater to all the latest trends. For me, the butter Shawn Johnson was the tipping point this year. A) it seemed rushed and it looked crappy - yes better than I could do, but not up to my butter sculpting standards - I definitely did not want to fuck the butter Johnson like Larry commented on CT's blog, B) it seemed too contrived, and C) where is butter Lolo Jones - she is an Iowan Olympian this year, is she not. Anyhow, let's stick with the buttercow and drop all the rest...it's too much butter and takes away the uniqueness of the cow.

Seriously look at this weak shit.

The Varied Industry Building - you know the building where all these companies set up booths and try to sell you products or even worse hand out free crap? To me, this building and the sweaty gross people scrambling to get free pencils or a sample of vinyl siding is a special kind of hell. It makes my skin crawl and I want to find the nearest exit if I have been in there longer than 5 minutes.

"Souvenir" Shops - Okay, there are a couple official Iowa State Fair souvenir shops that I don't mind. You know the ones that actually sell stuff that says "Iowa State Fair 2008" on it...I'm not sure why you would want a t-shirt that says that but hey I understand that to be a souvenir and people other than myself would be interested. The "Souvenir" shops that I hate are the ones that just sell cheap plastic crap. Plastic swords, inflatable Spongebobs, toy guns, light up necklaces, etc... CRAP. All of it is crap and I can guarantee it will be broken before you get out the gate of the fairgrounds. How is any of this stuff a souvenir - there is nothing to connect it to the fair besides the outrages prices. And why does there have to be one of these crap shops every 20 feet? They have to make a ton of cash on weak willed people. While sitting on a bench taking a break, one crap-merchant went about hard selling the Kinda-Kid telling him that he had to have this toy gun to remember his visit to the fair...oh and what a great deal, she was going to cut the price in half...she wouldn't even be making a profit! I mean it is a $40 gun and I could buy it for the Kinda-Kid for only $20! Yay! First of all, it was a toy gun...he already has tons or those. Secondly, it lit up and made noise...not really something I want to encourage when he can't sit still as it is. And Finally, maybe...just maybe if you hadn't picked the most expensive thing in your crap-shack to try to hard sell, maybe I would have been more willing to listen. So when I say no the Kinda-Kid starts crying because she convinced him that he needed this gun as a souvenir - she was way worse than any Carnie that we had run into in the midway. Thanks lady, you just turned a wonderful night I had with the Kinda-Kid where we saw exotic animals, watched a rock show, rode some rides, and had good food into "The night I wouldn't buy him a souvenir." That's the memory I wanted him to have. Crap-Seller - you have no idea how bad I wanted to punch you in the face.

Only 357 days till the next fair! I can't wait to see the Big Pig's Testicles!

*Kinda-Kid: is a term I coined a few years ago when my brother was dating a girl with a child. I got tired of explaining "My Brother's Girlfriend's Kid"...so Kinda-Kid was born because it was "kinda his kid, but not really."