Friday, March 25, 2011

Harmful if Swallowed

Last night, I was running some errands with Angie.  She had to stop at one of those dollar stores to pick up some cheap party supplies.  I don't go to these places often because although they have their uses and good deals, I rarely actually need the kinda cheap, plasticy items that these types of stores specialize in...or I would rather go some place more specialized.

Delicious - like all Mike & Ike products
However, I love their candy aisles.  Getting the big boxes of candy about 50 cents cheaper than at the gas station and two dollars cheaper than the movie theater is great.  They also tend to have the stranger flavors of some candies that you don't see as often - like Mike & Ike Jolly Joes or maybe Lemonhead & Friends (both delicious).  There's always new stuff for me to try.  I was tempted by Muddy Bears - chocolate covered gummi bears but wasn't in the mood this time.  I also like how the have a bid section of knock-off candy like Sour Kiddos (obviously not a ripoff of Sour Patch Kids).  I decided on some horehound hard candy and some Jolly Joes...since it had been a really long time since I had both.

Not So Hazardous
I also perused their selection of candy in novelty containers and decided to go with Toxic Waste because of the fun container and the fact that it said "Hazardously Sour Candy".  According to the back of the barrel if you could hold Toxic Waste in your mouth for 15 seconds you were a Total Wuss, 30 seconds earned you Cry Baby, 45 seconds Kinda Toxie, but 60 seconds meant that you were a Full Toxie Head.  I was a little didn't seem that much different that Warheads to me.  Decent I guess.

Evil Incarnate
But on the way to check out, I saw the most venomous candy item imaginable.  Something that would probably induce vomiting in me...something that must be the spawn of the devil because I can't believe anyone else would be evil enough to create such an item.  I am talking about Good & Plenty Lip Balm.  I seriously don't think there could be a worse thing in the world.  Good & Plenty are not even candy, they are like little poison pills.  I love candy of nearly every kind and don't even mind black licorice on occasion...but somehow Good & Plenty removed anything good from licorice leaving a hard center of black death covered in a tantalizing looking but nasty tasting candy shell.  I can't think of a worse flavor than Good & Plenty for a lip balm.  Remember the Harry Potter Bertie Bott Every Flavor Jelly Beans they came out to tie in with the movie with flavors like pepper, dirt, grass, earwax, dish soap, and vomit*?  Still better than Good & Plenty.

Just thinking about the G&P Lip Balm is making my stomach turn.  I am pretty sure if I kissed someone wearing this, I would probably vomit in their mouth (fair warning!).  I know that Good & Plenty is the oldest branded candy in the US (first produced in 1893), but that is no reason to still have it around.  I can really only see three scenarios where Good & Plenty candy is sold at all.

  1. Old people who ate it as children when there was nothing else have found memories of it.  You know, like people from the great depression and world wars when sugar was scarce.
  2. Parents who want to shut up their kids who are whining about wanting candy will get it as a "Really you want candy?" type punishment
  3. Young girls fall for the pink and white packaging...but this will only ever happen once to each child.
The name Good & Plenty is such a misrepresentation - well half misrepresentation.  They are definitely NOT good, but you will have plenty because you will never finish a box.  Good & Plenty stop tricking old people and should not be in the candy aisle.

*I think Jelly Belly actually wussed out on the second run of these beans and the gross flavors were changed to ketchup, fish, onion, and sausage (still better than Good & Plenty).


Jenipher said...

But I LOVE Good n' Plenty! You must have had it when it was old and hard...G&P is best when fresh, and the black licorice is very soft and chewy. On occasion, I'll get a box and it's hard...I can pop a few in the microwave for 10 seconds and they soften up just fine.

I even have G&P pajamas...

I fully own my horrible taste in candy. I mean, I loathe Snickers and Hersheys and Twix. I hate peanut M&M's...I'd rather eat gummy worms, Peach Rings, and Good n' Plenty. HA!

D-Lovely said...

This just made me think of the episode of Everybody Loves Raymond where they make fun of Robert because he won't eat Good n' Plenty without separating the pinks from the whites.

Ray: Trust me, Robert's weird! He doesn't like to go out to eat because he has a fear of busboys. He can't hold dollar bills facing each other because it would be like they're kissing.

Debra: That's just quirky.

Ray: Quirky? No, get this. He even separates his Good and Plenty's. Tell her, Robert, how does it go again?

Robert: The pinks are the goods, and the whites are the plentys, because there are more of them...and they're not as good. Then there's a third category of irregulars.

Ray: And those are called what?

Robert: Cuties.

Ray: I rest my case!

Michael said...

Jenipher, I don't think there is such a thing as a "Fresh" box of G&P, everyone I have every tasted has been the same. It is my personal believe that they haven't actually manufactured them since 1982 and are just waiting for stock to be exhausted. Unfortunately, they only sell like 10 boxes a year to unsuspecting souls...lucky for you, we still have enough stock for the next 1500 years.

D-Love, I don't watch Raymond because I hate being told what I should like, especially by the title (This title is a clearest case of false advertising since The Neverending Story...) but that is pretty funny.

Asante Gazelle said...

You have to buy the bag...they're easy fresher than the box.