My Apologies

My sincerest apologies, dear interwebicon, I know I have been neglecting you. I know it seems like this blog has evolved into just Two Minutes of Hate...that is not what I want. It has been really hectic here in the Gubbyverse and I have not had time to write lovely words for you to absorb into your grey matter. The TMH's are often written 3 or 4 at a time, weeks in advance and automatically scheduled to post...so it is not that I am full of more hate, just haven't had the time to write other ramblings. This week there will not even be hate as my pre-written hates are now exhausted. I promise that I will be back to a more regular schedule (and more than just hate next week). Sorry that I suck.

-Gubby

Two Minutes Hate

Snow

I don't hate snow on principle. I am not a winter person, I don't ski or snowboard or whatever, so the hassles that come with snow seem even worse because I don't really see the positive side. I hate the byproducts that snow causes - driveway scooping, coldness, and idiot drivers (as a few examples).

I don't mind scooping the driveway with a nice light, fluffy inch or two of snow. I actually kind of like it for the exercise aspect. It feels good to work out the muscles. The crisp air can be very refreshing as you are bundled up and sweating from the workout. I hate the large amounts of heavy, wet snow...the stuff you have to get up at 5am to scoop in order to make it to work on time. Not only am I tired from waking up early, but then I have to put in a pretty serious workout on top? Not for me...I'd rather be sleeping. Of course, the people who "love snow" and "Can't wait for it to snow" are not getting up early to help out, they are happy to stay in bed. But the friendly, local snowplow is aways there to help out - packing in the huge pile at the bottom of the drive. I live at the top of a "T" intersection and I will tell you that the snow plow driver loves to drive up the leg of the T and plow all that snow into my driveway. Thanks! It really is lovely, every time you do that.

Cold is self-explanatory...I just don't like feeling cold. Idiot drivers have been talked about before on the blog. But another thing that really drives me nuts during winter/snow/snowstorms is my co-workers. I hate how when there is the slightest chance of snow that they are constantly on the meteorological sights looking at the radar, reading forecasts, and yelling back and forth what the updates are. I just want to do my job and ignore the weather while I am here, please stop shoving it down my throat every 2 minutes. I don't care. Sure, I don't mind being sent home due to dangerous conditions -but it is not like we are twelve and have a big test coming up this afternoon. Do YOUR job, get off the weather websites and speculating if the boss is going to send us home. A) Chances are that it is not going to happen, we are after all adults; B) even if it does happen, you know what I am going to do with my afternoon off? Scoop snow! Not really a grand vacation snow day of watching cartoons, having snowball fights, and drinking hot chocolate.

End Hate

Arrrr....Ye Mights Like It

Pirate Flag courtesy of wikimedia commons.

I would highly suggest anyone with a Facebook account to set their language to "Pirate (English)."


It is pretty much the best thing about Facebook. What does it do, you ask?


Regular Facebook: "xxx became friends with xxx and thinks you may know them too".

Pirate Facebook "Arr! XXX became mateys with XXX! That landlubber thinks ye know xxx too. Spy this matey and send the name o' xxx out to other pirates. Follow the map below." BTW - the map is the link.


It cracks me up every time. It almost...almost...makes me like Facebook.


My absolute favorite part is in the options menu. "Mobile" is now called "Pocket Parrot." I think I may start calling my phone "pocket parrot" in real life.


I proudly fly the pirate flag in life.

Two Minutes Hate

Lack of Consistency (in computer programs)

I use a lot of Microsoft Office programs during the work day. I am not a Microsoft fanboy, nor am I am person who refers to them as Micro$oft. I think they have decent programs for the most part but I find it hard to really love or hate a company that makes utilitarian products.

I will admit that it the various programs do drive me a little crazy once in a while. My biggest pet peeve is that inconsistency in the features of the programs. I think if I get a program from the same manufacturer (in the same suite) that they should have similar options. I am not talking about the main function of the program - I don't expect MS Word to be a full database program, and I don't expect Access to be able to type letters. I am talking about the smaller things, the options that it seems would be easy to implement to allow all the programs to work similarly.

A few Examples:

• In Excel, there is the option where you can choose that you want to print your data X pages wide by X pages tall. This is pretty much the greatest thing when printing. To have the program automatically scale everything down to fit in my desired size is awesome, I use this all the time. Why can't I do this on Word? Why do I manually have to play with borders, line-spacing, and font size to get a letter that is just a few words over 1 page in length to print on one page? Why can't I have the button to click that says - "hey print this all on one sheet"?
• In Word, I can "Snake" columns of data, so that when it gets to the end of the page it continues the data in the next column on the same page. Why can't Excel handle this? It is a database program...why can't I specify that I want there to be 3 columns per page and I want the data to snake? Seriously, this would save so much time and paper.
• Excel can have cells with 32,000ish characters in them, a memo field in Access can have 63,000ish. Why can't these be the same? In fact, as they are, they don't seem to work have the time when exporting & importing. My data almost always gets trimmed to 255 "text" field characters. What is up with that? It should be much easier.
• I usually want my default views, my toolbars, and other defaults to be very similar between programs. Why can't I set a master toolbar that works for all MS Office programs and then have another program specific toolbar that contains more specific functions. Why do I have to go into each program and say that I want "New File, Open Close, Save, Save As, Print Preview, Quick Print" to show up on each program?

These are just a few examples of the idiocies about computer programs not working together as they should. I do have to hand it to MS for helping make the menus more consistent (although still room for improvement).
End Hate

Once Again a Failure

For the past few years I have been celebrating No-Shave November. I hate having facial hair but also hate shaving and completely lazy. November is my designated month to not even shave my normal two times a week.


No-Shave November exists for a few reasons


A) gives me a chance to hit snooze again in the morning, I hate getting up when the weather starts changing to winter.

B) gives me an excuse to look all scruffy (besides being totally lazy)

C) makes me appreciate shaving for a couple months afterwards

D) lets me see if I have matured into an adult male able to grow a beard.


I am calling an early end to No-Shave November (again). I have once again proven that I am incapable of growing decent looking facial hair, and would rather look clean shaving for the family holiday gathering. It also itches like crazy and makes it hard to sleep. Once again, I am a failure in life (even at my own, pretend holiday). Some day, maybe I will grow up to be a manly man who can grow a respectable beard, but it is not this day.


Goodbye scruffy, weak-ass beard...I will most likely kill you in the morning.

RIP - scraggly beard 2009

The Gubby Spirit

Be warned, in this post you will probably read the word "Gubby" more times that you have ever wanted to.

Every holiday season at my place of employment (Gubbyco, a division of Fuckyco International), we work with a local charity group to help provide gifts to underprivileged children. Human resources call them "Star Kids" because if you want to buy a gift for a child you are given a star shaped piece of paper with the child's name, age, interests, and gift ideas. I call them Gubby Kids.

This is where "Gubby" actually came from (in case you were wondering - I'm sure you weren't). The first year that I participated in the Star Kids program, my brother invited me to go out and do something one evening but I emailed him back saying "Can't got to go buy a present for my little, grubby kid." Of course I was joking, I know it is not the children's fault that they are growing up underprivileged (and I have loved the term grubby since local band Grubby Ernie). But I mistyped and it ended up 'gubby' instead of 'grubby.' That lead to a "What's gubby?" and I realised that it was too good of a word to forget about, so I adopted it. The real meaning of gubby is nothing, but yet it is like "smurf" and can match whatever context it is used it.

I have been a big supporter of the Gubby kid program over the years. HR usually calls me as soon as the Stars come in so that I can pick out my kids first. I want to make sure that I get kids that have good interests and tastes that don't just reflect the latest fads. I prefer creativity and books over dolls and video games. I like giving gifts that although the kids to use their mind's (because honestly, growing up underprivileged they probably don't have much more...and I know if I get anything that takes batteries that within a month they probably won't be able to play with it). I usually try to get one gubby boy and one gubby girl (at the minimum).

It used to be that the best toy wish would trump everything else. I like buying cool toys, books, art supplies. Those are the things that I would have wanted when I was a kid. I think Christmas should be about toys for the kids. Then Amanda The First had to come along and put social commentary into my gift buying by saying "You know, the kids that ask for clothes and other necessities probably REALLY need those items." That actually bothered me quite a bit because she was right. I loved buying the kids the coolest toys, books, art supplies but the ones that really needed a good Christmas were the ones that required necessities just to live life. Not just a toy to make them happy at Christmas time but coats to keep them warm all winter or clothing to wear to school. These were the kids that really needed help. I really don't enjoy buying those things though, so it seemed more like a chore than a fun activity. I now compromise and choose children that have both toys and other fun items as well as more necessity items on their wish list. This way, I still get to shop for smaller toys but also fulfill some requirements for living. So far, it has been working out well for me (hopefully for the children too).

I was a little disappointed with the boys this year though as it was mostly Transformers and Bakugan. I finally chose a young boy who wanted Hot Wheels and clothes. I wasn't crazy about the Hot Wheels but knew that I could find a couple small sets to go together to make a good experience and have money left over for clothing. I was really happy with my girl this year as she was a preteen who wanted science fiction and some school clothing. She was at the perfect age I think to really appreciate the Ugly series of books and a blossoming interest in sci-fi should be nurtured because I know she is probably getting all kinds of shit for being a dork at school. I hope they enjoy their gifts and hope they and all the rest of the underprivileged children have a really good Christmas.

Hate Update (Retraction Actually)

I am rarely wrong.¹ So as I stand here² and announce that I was wrong, please know that it is a big deal.³

I would like to make it known that I re-read The Catcher in the Rye a couple months ago. After giving some time to digest and mull over, I have decided that it is not nearly as bad as I thought. It has gone from "What a god awful piece of shit" to "It's OK, I can see how some people would like it." That is an improvement of vast proportions in my mind. A book has rarely made that type of leap before.

I still think it is way over-hyped. I still think Holden is boorish (CT actually gave me that description when I was re-reading it and it was perfect). However, I will no longer think people who love this book are idiots. I can see some of the charm and see why some people connect with it so well. I might even recommend it to someone in the future (although with a caveat "don't believe the hype")

Good job J.D. Salinger. I was wrong.

¹as long as you don't count my love life, personal life, and work life
²I'm actually sitting - typing while standing is weird
³not a big deal at all

Great Bands You (prolly) Never Heard About (pt4)

Great Bands You (prolly) Never Heard About (pt4) -

The Marginal Prophets

This post is going to go in a little different musical direction than my norm. I am not much of a Rap type person. I've always been much more Rock, Metal, Punk, and even Classical and a little John Denver thrown in before rap type person. That's not to say that I don't enjoy some good rap every now and then. When I say good rap, there were two kinds of rap that I liked funny and not serious humor rap like the Beastie Boys or Hardcore rap in the vein of Public Enemy, NWA, and Ice-T. I always had a problem with the middle ground type of rap/hip hop because it was either forgettable or too corny for me to really like. I just couldn't take it seriously - like when they tried to re-invent Hammer as a Gangsta Rapper. I just couldn't listen to it. I either wanted something that was not serious at all and the artist new it or I wanted really hardcore stuff. I also liked artists who used to actually rap and not just go "Ugh" and shake their head like P.Diddy seemed to be up to all the time in the 90's. I'm also not a big fan of total digitally enhanced singing like Kanye (although I do love T.Pain on backups). I liked good word play and interesting music. In the late 90's and early 2000's it had been years since I had really listened to anything hip hop or rap related because nothing stuck with me. Maybe a little bit of Tupac, Snoop, and Eminem but mostly Rap was dead to me.

Along came The Marginal Prophets...they fit in the humor rap category but they were much more than just funny lyrics. I first became aware of The Marginal Prophets, when I worked at as the program director for my college student radio station. It was one of the many random CDs that we received one week. I thought the artwork was decent but didn't hold much faith for the music. I was wrong. MP used tons of samples (without permission) to wonderful and great effect. You'll hear Status Quo, Tori Amos, Jesus Christ Superstar, and everything in between. I do mean everything. Basically they are the hip-hop version of Scatterbrain. There are more samples on each track than most albums have in their entirety. Usually I would say that is a bad thing...but here it works. The samples are interwoven and layered to make a very interesting base. Even if you don't like the traditional bass heavy rap music, you will be able to connect and groove to something on this CD, it has a little something for everyone. Being non-musically talented as I am, I thought to myself "Now this is the type of CD I would make" but of course I wouldn't and couldn't because the Prophets are talented even if you think they are just "borrowing someone else's music."

I am really only familiar with their debut CD - Twist the Knob. Not everything on it is a masterpiece but I find that I can listen to it all in a sitting very easily and not get bored (which is pretty rare for any rap/hip-hop album for me). It is one of those albums where I am constantly discovering new lyrics that I had overlooked and they always bring me new appreciation for the Prophets. Here are a few of my favorites off the album:

Phat in the Whole (Rock Mix)

Like This!

Girlfriend is the Best


So why am I am only familiar with their debut album? Well, I actually ordered their second album Bohemian Rap CD (which still makes me chuckle) when it first came out. I listened to it once and it disappeared. Completely. Gone. No sign of the CD, the case, or even the packaging that I received it in. It was kind of weird...I have lost CDs before, many times in fact, but this was strange as I could not even start to guess where it went. Usually I have some idea, whether I left if at work, accidentally dropped it out of a car, or loaned it to someone...I usually halfway know what happened to it. Marginal Prophets? No trace, the men and black must have come and repo'd it. It had too much power for this world. I need to buy it again but you don't mess with forces like that. What were my first impressions? Well that it was much more polished than their original. Truthfully, not sure if that was bad or good. I remember it being decent but nothing grabbed my attention but that is not rare for a rap album, my ear is just not attuned. I remember thinking it was pretty decent though (and it won a California Music Award for Outstanding Rap Album 2004). You can check out a couple tracks on the MP site.

I don't think the Marginal Prophets are active anymore. Maybe they are on extended hiatus. I am not sure, but if you enjoy the music at all, I would suggest buying the CD directly from the artist. You can get them off Keith Knight's (the black one) web site. You can also get their live album.

Two Minutes Hate

I've said it many times before - I am just not a big fan of facebook. Don't get me wrong, it is decent when it is used correctly (solely judged by me on what I want to see). I don't mind when people post or update their status once or twice a day - and trust me, I don't know anyone interesting enough that I want to know more than that about their life. I don't care for your announcements that "It's Friday!" or that you feel the need to update me every 15 minutes on your day. I don't care! Keep it to the major stuff or keep the posts to a minimum. But that is not even the worst thing. I can not stand the apps that post stupid updates and messages. I don't care that you are level 246 in Mafia Wars, that you baked a souffle in Cafe World, or that you found a lost cow in Farmville. Not only do these kind of updates piss me off because I think they are pointless, but they make me think you are a loser. I love dorky stuff and really bad video games (I played through Sneakers twice after all)...but this stuff seems way too lame even for me. Twenty updates in a row about some stupid game is annoying and makes it so hard to find important info.

End Hate

Beware the Meh-pocalypse

So Friday night I was dragged to the movie 2012. I might not have been kicking and screaming but I was definitely moaning, groaning, and complaining. Months ago I had promised Jessica that I would take her to 2012 or New Moon, but not both. She chose 2012 for me... I am not sure if that was a good thing or not. To me, it seemed like a "Head or Gut" type choice. Either way I was going to get hit and it was going to hurt.

I was a little surprised by the movie as they didn't focus on the 2012 Mayan myth (yes myth, there is no Maya2K, grow a brain!). Basically, it was mentioned as the time frame and a stupid quote about the "Mayans knowing about the dangers thousands of years ago but with all of our science we are still blind." Not great, but I figured it would be much worse and there would be some sort of Mayan mystery to solve or something equally horrible that would teach everyone a lesson about the nature of mankind. I went in with really low expectations and because of that I was able to mildly enjoy it. Although my classic quote of "It wasn't good but at least it was long" applies, it was better than Transformers 2 (if only for the fact that I understood what was going on).

The good - special effects were good, stuff being destroyed is often pretty entertaining. John Cusack is decent like he usually is (although this would be one of his weaker movies).

The bad - special effects - just too many, eventually I got to the point where I didn't even find the destruction entertaining any more and was mostly just bored. It didn't help that I really didn't feel attached to any of the characters. Also the science was really suspect...than means a lot to me. You can have anything happen in a movie and as long as the science sounds halfway plausible then I will give the benefit of the doubt.

Verdict - Meh - it wasn't horrible but it wasn't good either. Too long, repetitive destruction. You feel a little bit like you are just watching the commercial as much of the destruction is shown in it...it is just longer in the movie. I'm still a little pissed that it even mentioned the Mayan calendar bullshit - I would have been happier if they cut that five minutes and instead called it The Day After Tomorrow 2 or something. Besides the fact that the 2012 stuff is just a bunch of crap, through the promotion it has attracted a bunch of "experts" in the audience who felt the need to pontificate on the subject for the 20 minutes before the movie. Had I felt a little better I probably would have argued but instead I sat there and tried to unsuccessfully pretend these people weren't talking.

Final note - Woody Harrelson was decent in it (he plays a good wacko)...but he was much better in Zombieland. I would gladly see that over 2012 any day (and you could watch Zombieland twice in the time it takes you to watch 2012).

Two Minutes Hate

Subway Commercials

I am with Vlad and Teodor on the idea that Jared really doesn't make me feel good about food and has the sex appeal of a biscuit with two shits inside. However, I can usually ignore his commercials.

Until now. Have you seen the awful commercial with Jared, Michael Strahan, and Justin Tuck pretending to sing? It is pretty much the worst commercial of the year. I think it is supposed to be funny...take three guys who aren't known for their singing, then have them lip-sync to deep sonorous voices. What's not to be funny?

It is so bad that I refuse to link to it. The problem is that they are so awful at lip-syncing that it looks way more like a badly dubbed foreign film than a humorous commercial. They aren't even close to being even a little believable. Plus the song really isn't even good to begin with...but I have no idea what the song is saying because the visuals are so bad that it shuts down my brain. I am really not sure what message this commercial is supposed to be conveying to me. This commercial has the absolute opposite effect that a commercial should have. It makes me NOT want to go to Subway...but it's even more than that, it makes me angry at Subway. Even though the 5 Dollar Foot Long commercials got repetitive, at least they had a simple message and did make me want Subway every once in a while. This commercial makes me want to break the big front window in the local Subway restaurant.

I can't blame Jared...he is just some nobody who lucked into a pretty good job. I am sure they say jump and he jumps like crazy always careful not to upset his golden egg employers. But I have to think someone on the creative team or even Subway marketing had to think "This is awful, we really shouldn't do this." Why did no one step forward? Was Dick Cheney there going "Slam Dunk"? I just don't get it...this probably had to be approved by so many people.

The good news is that the greatest script for a Jared commercial has already been written. If only the marketing department would green light this idea.

End Hate

I am an Idiot

It probably doesn't come as much surprise that I am an idiot. You are probably thinking to yourselves "No duh, it is so obvious that you don't even need to mention it." But I thought I would share some of my idiocy.

I often don't know what year it is. I'm not stupid (OK, maybe) or that I can't remember the date. It's just that I spend of lot of my time at work forecasting sales of some 4000+ part numbers. I study trends, look over promotions, gauge customer support, judge product lifespans, etc... and then for about 2 weeks each month I enter the forecast into our system. This forecast is 6-12 months in the future, so I am constantly typing dates like 01/15/2010. After typing out 6 months worth of dates for 4000 part numbers, my brain starts to forget that it is actually 2009. It makes sense, 2010 has just been pounded into it 20,000 times, but it does make me feel like an idiot some times. I know it is 2009 after I think about it but my mind first jumps to 2010.

I often fear that I will faint, bump my head, or fall unconscious. Then upon being shaken awake by nearby people, someone will ask me what year it is to test my mental faculties and I will give the wrong year. Of course they will then think that I am crazy (or maybe I traveled back in time) and I will be locked away in some institution.

Just another reason why I suck.

The Sad State of Trick or Treat

This Halloween, I took my niece America (human) trick-or-treating. Papa had to work, Grandma and Grandpa were babysitting Braeden, the other grandchild...so that left me to be the trick-or-treat custodian. America (human) is still just young enough to need someone to go with her, but also she was in my neighborhood which she was not really familiar with (and all the twisty streets, dead ends, and cul-de-sacs can be confusing - even for me after 10 years). Mostly, I ended up being the candy mule...hauling the large bag of candy that she would dump her small bag into every few houses.

Behold - The Princess America

It was a beautiful night and perfect trick-or-treating weather with just a slight chill in the air to keep you cool when running from house to house. I really enjoyed trick-or-treating with America this year. She had a good haul of candy (5 or 6 pounds probably) and I think we burned off all the future calories running from house to house.

Although, it was a great night...I am more and more shocked about how over-protective people have become on Halloween. It was rare to see a kid without a parent or some kind of custodian along for the night. I'm not talking 5 and 6 year olds - kids that looked 10, 12 and one that looked like she was 14 had parents coddling them along all evening. Where is childhood independence? Admittedly, I grew up in a somewhat isolated semi-rural neighborhood and not the "big city" (ha ha)...but still, today's parents seem way too hovering. I don't think I had a parental guardian after second-grade. Instead I had a tight knit group of candy loving friends who would all take care of each other each Halloween. Let me say this once: Halloween is safe. People aren't poisoning candy, there are no razor blades (both overblown examples of hoaxes, coincidences, and pranks), and the pedophiles are not any more dangerous on Halloween than every other night. These are the same people that live in your neighborhood 364 other days of the year. Let your child go out with a group of friends, have fun, and blow off steam.

Let the kids be kids. Halloween is a chance to run a little wild and to be rewarded for being a child. As a child, my friends and I would run from house to house as fast as week could...arriving completely out of breath. Sidewalks and driveways be damned, all flower beds and shrubbery were endangered of being trampled as we strode through yards from house to house. Halloween was a non-stop foot race and you had to take that into account when you were planned your costume. You didn't want anything to bulky that would slow you down (neighborhood kin remember Kristina in her awesome Rubik's Cube costume? great looking costume but not built for the candy hunt), nothing loose that could fall off, nothing to hamper leg motion, and easily removable layers and breathable masks were very important as you were going to be sweating (a lot).

We also believed in a little bit of tricking...if you weren't handing out candy, you might be the subject of getting the apples we received a few doors down thrown into your roof gutters or maybe the mini tube of toothpaste squirted in your mailbox. You can't do that with parents around. Being a guardian this year, I left a bowl of candy and miniature flashlights on my porch for all the ghosts and ghouls. When I got back, it still had some candy and a few flashlights. This is all a far cry from when I was young. If you were foolish enough to leave a bowl of candy unattended on your porch in my neighborhood, chances were very good that the first person in my group to reach your porch would dump the entire bowl into their candy bag and throw the empty bowl in the bushes or on the roof (to dispose of the evidence, so the group of kids would think you left your light on by accident or fell asleep or something - or maybe it was just fun). Admittedly it was not very nice, I can see that now...but the race for that candy bowl was one of the funnest things ever. I can still remember the feeling as those sprints started and the pounding of your heart when you reached the candy bowl in either glorious victory or agonizing defeat. Rarely is so sweet a victory achieved in this life (both literally and figuratively). I was sort of hoping that I would find some evidence of that kind of exuberance - but with everyone having parental guardians along, kids actually paid attention to the "Please Take One" sign.

Halloween just seems a little too sanitized and supervised for my tastes. I hope the kids get to experience a little bit of the feeling of Halloween Freedom for an entire night (really 6pm - 8pm but it felt like all night when I was a kid) because that is one of my favorite childhood memories.

Two Minutes Hate

People Who Use Texting Slang/Shorthand in Business Emails
I am not a big fan of all the abbreviations and texting slang in the first place. I don't mind a LOL OMG, BTW, or WTF thrown in a personal message every once in a while but once they reach the point of IDK My BFF Jill levels I am completely turned off. However, there is no reason that this type of lexicon should be used in business emails.
It looks completely unprofessional. Even though you may be sending a message to someone internally (although I have seen it on external emails also), you never know when that message will be forwarded or CC to someone outside the company.
Personally, I find it more difficult to read...being slightly dyslexic, I've had to train my brain quite a bit to learn words. If you do not have any problems in this area you have no idea how much work it can be to decipher a message. "U'll" does not equal "You'll" in my mind very easily. Yes, I know they sound the same so my mind should quickly make the connection but my reading and writing doesn't work that way. It takes me much longer to read a shorthand message than regular writing. And writing it is just a disaster...I just can not do it, my mind has a specific set of rules and doesn't change or substitute well.
My usual response to someone who sends me an email asking me something with this kind of shorthand is "OMG, U must think Ai iz stoopid." (I've practised this one enough that I can pound it out fast). That is pretty much the only response I give until they ask me in an appropriate manner. The best part is that they won't even get half the time and keep sending me the same message.
It's not that I am completely against this form of shorthand. I think it is great for texting (although I still can't do it) because of its personal and informal nature, and limited space. Just remember there is a time and a place people. In the office is not it.
End Hate

There Was a Sequel? Part Deux

There Was a Sequel? Part Deux

I am really not sure how I feel about Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day. The original movie was a surprisingly great film. I highly recommend it to anyone that likes a good shoot-em-up movie (and really who doesn't?). Good "We're on a mission from God" revenge story. Willem Dafoe was awesome and hilarious. I don't know anyone who can keep a straight face when he starts his detective work.

I am always hesitant about getting my hopes up for sequels since they are usually awful (and yet I am drawn to them and their horribleness). It is a little hard to be totally pessimistic when the major actors are returning and it is written and directed by the same person as the original. Of course, I thought that about Lucas & Spielberg at one point too...but South Park summed that up very nicely.

The trailer looks good though and I feel the need to see it. I am a little worried about the subtitle though...that seems like they are stretching to try to be clever. Seriously, the subtitle makes it seem like a movie with none of the originals involved and just trying to cash in on the Boondock Saints name. That is what I first thought when I heard of it. I mean might as well call it Boondock Saints II: Saint-Boogaloo. I feel that a subtitle is not really needed but how about "Veneration" or "Sanctified" or even "Canonized"? They are still pretty cheesy but not as cheesy as All Saints Day (in my mind at least).

Boondock Saints II - in limited release today (aka Not Iowa). Hopefully we will get it soon.

Red Light Cameras

I don't believe in "Red Light Cameras" - the cameras that take pictures of people's license plates who are going through a red light. Partly, I don't believe in these traffic cameras because I don't think citizens need any more invasion into the privacy of their lives by the police department and/or the government. I also believe that law enforcement should be done by humans not by cameras and computers (sorry Robocop). But mostly, I don't believe in them because I don't believe in the given reasons for the cameras: "To Make Us Safer"




It is just not true. It is much easier to make an intersection safer by having a longer yellow light, then a pause between the traffic light turning red and the next light turning green. This will make intersections safer.



If the various police departments and cities would actually say that the Red Light Cameras are to help the police department make money, I would support them. Though my support would be with reservations because of the big brother and privacy issues. However it would be a truthful statement of purpose. It is much cheaper to have a camera citing people 24 hours a day than have a police officer sitting there.



Another thing that they should promote the cameras as doing is "Stopping the assholes who keep turning left even though their light has been red for quite a while." If they could stop this behavior with a camera and keep traffic flowing I would be a strong supporter. I can even name a couple intersections that need these cameras. Just yesterday, I was sitting at an intersection and my light changed to green but I didn't get to go for 90% of the light because people where still turning left in front of me. Out of the 10 cars waiting to go straight, two made it through the light because of these idiots. OK, I guess on second thought the cameras might make it safer because it would eliminate my increasing road rage desire to floor it and T-bone one these inconsiderate fuckers. It's not like this is a one time deal...it happens every time at a couple lights and it is getting worse because idiots imitate idiots when they see there is no repercussions.

Two Minutes Hate

Pledge Drives

I understand why PBS and NPR stations have pledge drives. I realize that they need people to give them money to survive. I have in the past but usually don't any more because I completely hate the pledge drive format. I love the programming these type of stations provide...it is definitely better than most other stations original programming. I just wish I didn't have to listen to them trying to sell themselves.

First and by far foremost, if I pledge or not you are still going to annoy me for the following two to four weeks. When I have donated in the past, it has driven me nuts that I still have to listen/watch the pledge drive crap. If there is some kind of technology that would get me back to regular programming without interruptions as soon as I pledged, I would pledge right away. Then I would be happily to miss lines like "They call it 'Breaking News' but the news isn't broke(sic) here at Iowa Public Radio." That made me want to stab people.

Then you claim all the rest of the year that you are commercial free...which is pretty true. I would counter however that short commercial breaks may actually be less disruptive than you talking up donating for 20 minutes in a row. Seriously, last week I was driving home one night and I didn't hear any programming but instead heard about how Joe Blow in Waukee donated and he is a first time donor, and Jill Shill from Cedar Falls loves NPR and can't live without it (I'd like to test that theory), etc... It is almost as bad a reality TV.

Keep the interruptions to the professionals. I can't stand an amateur getting on there and rambling incoherently. If I want to hear pointless, humorless stories from people who are not good story tellers, I'll talk to the people I work with. The volunteers/amateur people that help out sound so awful that it really makes me want to turn the channel. It sounds like a disaster.

I hate the "Challenges." You know, the type of thing where somebody (or group) says that they will donate $5000 if they get 150 calls in an hour. What kind of pussy pledge is that? That does not inspire me to donate at all. I mean if the large donors are being hesitant and putting conditions on their donations, why should I donate? I mean, I could donate $1 million but some ridiculous condition on it that they can never fulfill...but what good does that do for anyone. Plus pledge counts? How is that a useful stat at all? Couldn't someone who wants to donate $100 just call in 20 times and donate $5 each time...I guess they wouldn't get their crappy prize, but wouldn't it be better for the station during a challenge? But then again if they have credit card processing fees it could be worse...but that just shows the idiocy of call count challenges in my mind. I do respect the couple that always does the "new member" bonus for Iowa Public Radio...pledging $20 for each new member is actually a good incentive (one of the few good things about a pledge drive).

"Thank You Gifts" are crap. I could buy the same thing for about 10% of the pledge amount required. I guess it is supposed to be a token of their appreciation or something...but really they are trying to entice you into buying yourself a gift with their 20 minute infomercial. If the "gifts" (or more accurately purchases) didn't matter, they really should have to talk about them so much. Instead of a set gift (because they never really offer what I would want), why not just build up credit in the company store? If you please $100, you get $5 credit in our store...well I guess that would show people how much they are actually getting ripped off with the thank you gifts. But the nice thing about this is that it could build up over time. Maybe I can't afford to donate $250 now but if I donate $125 now and $125 in six months, I can build the credit to go for the higher gift...just like tickets in an arcade, save them for the bigger prize which entices you to come back and spend more money.

If you are set on giving Thank You Gifts...make it something that you can't buy in the store (and I am not talking about a special colored t-shirt). Make it something special. Have a concert only for people who donate on Thursday...no other way to get tickets. Have enough special events and you could have multiple donations from the same person. Have a special screening of a show or movie, have a member party. Experiences that you can't just go out and buy. Experiences are much more enticing to me than objects. I definitely don't need another t-shirt or a coffee cup. I have too many objects as it is, but I am always up for new experiences.

Don't save all your good programming for your pledge drive. For example, I love the John Denver specials that PBS shows every pledge drive. Sometime I would like to see them without the interruptions...but they never seem to be shown at any other time of year. You always say "Support this programming" but it seems that I would only be supporting pledge drive programming. Just as I am getting into the show, you decide to take a 20 minute break to the call center where I quickly lose interest and turn the channel. Maybe I will turn back, but most likely not. If I like the program so much, why don't I donate and get the DVD? That makes my donation seem useless in my mind...it seems like then I should just buy everything I want to watch instead of supporting IPTV. Aren't I paying them for the programming? I should get to watch it on their station, not on DVD. You may try to argue, that I am really supporting the production of this type of program. True and I do want to support that, but you have been showing the same shows for over 15 years (An Evening at the Pops with John Denver was recorded in 1991 I believe).

There are many other ways to raise money. I am all for donating, but I don't want to support the pledge drive format. I am the same way with commercials - if you have an annoying commercial, I will not buy your product. I don't want you to think that the pledge drive is what made me donate and that it is a model that works. I do not want to encourage the pledge drive. It is keeping me from donating at this time. I really do want to support you, my local stations...please find another way for me to give you money.

End Hate

Welcome to Dead Moines

This week, the Thursday Evening Movie Club* went to the "one night only" showing of Dead Moines. CT and I, plus a good turn out of friends...thanks for coming everyone! I wish I had been able to arrive earlier and felt better so that I could spend a little more time hanging out.

Dead Moines is a locally created horror flick. I wouldn't call it low budget but small budget definitely applies. I won't say it is the greatest thing that I have ever seen but it is definitely not the worst...in fact it was a million times better than 2012:Doomsday, a movie that Jessica wanted to watch the other night (yes, one of those low budgets trying to cash in on the interest and publicity of the big budget movie soon to be released...it received a 1.8 out of 10 stars on IMDB but I think that was generous).





Dead Moines was decent...pretty much what I would expect from a locally made (and amateur) production. It was definitely a great project for people to start honing their talents. Sure it had its share of issues that any small budget film has...but they never represented themselves as Hollywood professionals. You have to take this for what it was...a good starting point. It looked like a bunch of friends got together to make a movie. I really hope these guys continue to develop their skills because there was promise. Plus you always want to support your local artists, musicians, filmmakers, sports teams, restaurants, and strippers. Local is good, be part of the community

My one biggest complaint is that they didn't do a very good job of setting up the story...the story itself was OK, but they didn't set it up well. Basically, three friends from Des Moines go to Chicago for the weekend and when they come back home to DM everyone is missing. The problem is that they really didn't show Des Moines alive. There was basically one shot of children on swings and a scene where a neighbor lady walks past with her dog. The way it was shot, DM looked as dead before they left as when they came back. Could have used some shots of traffic, people walking downtown, people outside mowing their lawns, etc...

Supposedly they had merchandise and DVDs for sale in the lobby but I didn't see them...I was feeling more than a little wonky and cut out as soon as the film was over. If you are interested, I know that you can pick up the DVD at Jays CD and Hobby...I'll probably pick one up next time I am there to support local industry.

*Has never been called this before.

Two Minutes Hate

Sorry for the late hate (no I'm not).

Fine Print at the Bottom of Car Commercials
Have you ever read the fine print at the bottom of a car commercial? It is a bunch of total bullshit.
First of all, no matter what the car is doing...even just driving done a road, it is always "Professional Driver on a Closed Course." Is this implying that I shouldn't or couldn't drive this car down a road? I understand this warning when the car/truck is doing something extraordinary, doing stunts, crashing, or something other than the type of driving that I would expect to encounter. But it is now on every commercial. Every commercial. I want a car that normal people can drive well, not something that can only be handled by a professional.
Second, is that the vehicles shown always contain optional accessories or equipment. I don't mind them show this but they always promote the low price but show the expensive version. To me this is like going to McDonalds and having a picture of the Big Mac next to where it says "Hamburger $0.89" Yes, the Big Mac is a burger but it definitely not the burger that you are getting for 89 cents. Same with cars, your are not going to get what you see for the money they advertise. Larger engine, upgraded wheels, better suspension, upgraded sound system, leather seats, power windows & locks, special order paint color, added navigation, etc... And that is just some of the options that are added to commercials. If you want the car in the commercial you are going to have to thousands more than the price they advertise...you can increase the price of the the car by at least a third, maybe more. It is just ridiculous - I believe you should advertise what you get for the price given.

I know, I know, honest advertising is pretty much an oxymoron.

End Hate

Mama Says It's From the Devil

I am not a big football fan. Until about 3 years ago, I could claim never to have watched an entire football game. I went to a grand total of two in high school and one in college...but even then ended up talking to people instead of watching.

Football was just too slow for me. I understand all the time management aspects of the game and get the strategy involved, but that doesn't stop it from driving me nuts. I hate there being time left in the game and the teams walking off the field because the offensive team would be able to kill all the remaining time. I think if there is time, you should be forced to play. Walking out with time remaining just seems like the baby way of doing it, play out the clock. Plus, it drives me crazy when a team is at Fourth and Short and they kick. Seriously? You don't have enough faith in your team to make one yard? Go for it, kicking makes you look worried and that you have to play it safe (in my opinion at least). Personally, I am for always going for it on 3 or less yards.

Anyhow, this is not a post to complain about football, it is actually about my football experience over the weekend. My hetero-life-pal CT invited me to the Iowa State Cyclones game on Saturday. I made sure to let him know about my "meh" feelings on football and to make sure that I am a last resort. I am comfortable in my position as last resort in this situation. I was the only one able (maybe willing, I am not sure) to make it.

I had a very good time even though it was more than a little chilly (I think it was 32 degrees F after the game). CT and friends had a very good tailgating system down and we enjoyed burgers, brats, and pork sandwiches. All excellent...thanks for cooking CT, it really hit the spot. I had a good time tailgating and just talking. I even enjoyed the game itself. I've watched enough football in the past few years that I don't get lost or bored...and understand the slowness of the game, even if I don't agree with it. I know next to nothing about standings, or how well a team is doing but I didn't need it to have fun. Really the only thing that was disappointing about the day was that the cheerleaders were wearing windbreaker outfits...I was looking forward to seeing some scantily clad women do weird things with their bodies (I suppose I could always head to the strip club).

Probably my favorite part of the whole experience was CT wanting to punch Ed Wilson, the local weatherman, the next time he saw him. The forecast given for the game was about 10 degrees warmer, sunny, and no wind...and CT and many others dressed according to this forecast. It was chilly, cloudy, and windy. Ed Wilson, ended up walking by before the game...and we were all "Get him, get him" but CT restrained himself due to the fact that Ed was with his kids. Ed, if you ever get punched by a stranger who then yells "You know why!" I know nothing about it (but this is fair warning).

Thanks again for the invite, it was a cold but fun day.

It Might Get Loud

This week, the Weekly Movie Loser Club* (CT and I with various special guests - this week Bryce showed up, great to see you) went to It Might Get Loud. Never heard of it you say? We hadn't either until we went to the Fleur Cinema a few weeks back to check out the Hurt Locker and we saw a poster and the trailer.

First let me say that before a few weeks ago, I hadn't been to the Fleur Cinema since The Adventures of Ford Fairlane (1990) and back then it was a pile of shit. I felt like the ceiling was going to cave in, I would most likely be bitten by a rat, and probably catch syphilis from the seats (yeah doc, I caught it from theater seats...that's the ticket). Now, the Fleur cinema has been remodeled in a sort of art-deco style artsy/independent movie house. It does have some regular movies (Where the Wild Things Are is opening there today) but it specializes more in smaller and unheard of films. I don't think you will ever be able to see one of the Transformer movies there. It doesn't have the gigantic screens or 8 million speaker surround sound, but these are not the type of movies that those are needed. These type of movies focus more on storytelling than special effects. The cinema also has a small cafe (which is stretching the term but that is what they call it) where you can get beer, fancy coffee, tea, hot chocolate and various homemade goodies like rice crispy bars, pumpkin bars, and pie among other things - the selection varies all the time. I wish it was a little more like a cafe and offered a selection of sandwiches or soup or something a little more significant to eat, but a hot chocolate and a rice crispy bar always helps satisfy. It has transformed from a dreary run down version of your local mall theater into a homey, comfortable theater for weird, quirky, small, and independent films. Honestly, it is a nice atmosphere compared to the corporate sterility of a chain theater. Despite its lack of pinball, it is quickly becoming one of my favorite places to see films.

It Might Get Loud has Jimmy Page, The Edge, and Jack White get together for one day to talk shop (AKA - Guitars). It walks through each musicians past, inspirations, accomplishments, sound, ideas, etc... and then puts them in a room together to talk, teach, and learn from each other. If you like Led Zeppelin, U2, The White Stripes, guitar, or even music in general; you will enjoy this movie. I thought it was fantastic and very engaging. It was neat to see three very talented individuals who share the ability and desire to play guitar but to play it in such different ways and have such different and unique sounds. You could pretty much close your eyes and tell who was playing: Page - deep, soulful, fuzzy but almost elegant sound; The Edge - techno adjusted, effects laden, but still clean and crisp; and White - raw, rough, messy, and blunt. I was most impressed with Jack White. I've always enjoyed his music but knew very little about him as a person, his influences or really even the depth of his talent. Jimmy Page and the Edge, I already knew plenty about so although still very compelling to watch, I wasn't really shocked by how talented they were. Oh and Jack White is funny as hell (as seen in the trailer below).

I don't think this movie will be in the theater much longer, so hurry and check it out. I believe it comes out of DVD in December. Any music fans are advised to check it out, it tells a very interesting tale. I thought the movie was very inspiring in a "if you like something, do it" type of way. For me personally it was also a tiny bit depressing (not at the time but later that night when I thinking it over) because I just have never had the type of drive that these individuals have - which I guess is what makes them great - but made me feel a little sad not to have the dedication and desire to anything as they do to their guitars and music. You should not let this type of feeling keep you from watching the movie, in fact that should be a testament to how powerful and thought provoking the movie was.

*This is not an official name and has never been called this before. I am actually the only loser.

The Metalocalypse Has Begun

"Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls...Dying Time is Here."

The concert didn't start with that but I think all good heavy metal concerts should (as I think everyone should be required to do a Megadeth or a John Denver cover song). In spite of this the Dethklok show was awesome. I was really looking forward to it since I was unable to attend Prong on Monday due to illness...and I completely forgot about Gwar last week (although I still am not sure if I would have wanted to pay for them).

I arrived a little later than I would have normally liked due to working late and then having to head home to take care of my dogs (stupid dogs...always wanting food and water, some things are just so demanding!). I show up a little before 7:30pm...the parking lot is full. I was not sure how many people would actually be coming to the show. I know I loved the cartoon, but how many others watch metal music cartoons? A lot. The show was supposed to start at 6:30 but the people I talked to said that I only missed two songs of the opening band, High on Fire (there was also supposed to be a band named Converge also but none of the 4 or 5 people I talked to saw them...so I am not sure if they didn't play or everyone showed up late). HoF was OK but nothing really outstanding. They played for a long time...almost a full hour which is rare for an opening band. The singer surprised me at the 40 minute mark by saying something like "Thanks everyone for coming and seeing us before Dethklok and Mastodon...we only have four short songs left!" Four? That is the kind of thing that is usually said before the last song...and they weren't really short (although I guess by death metal standards it is true that they were not dragging 12 minute sagas).

Mastodon started off really good. I liked their first three or four songs...and they had pretty interesting and trippy graphics and videos on the big screen behind them. However, their songs all started sounding the same and the graphics started repeating somewhat and I started getting a little antsy around the halfway point. I had only heard a couple of their songs before and once those were over I found it hard to get into the rest of their show...and to me it seemed like their songs started becoming more disjointed (heavy to soft melodies with poor transition) and longer and more stereotypical 12 minute sagas. Decent but not something I would check out again unless I was more familiar with their music.

Dethklok comes on...err, at least they started showing a few animated shorts to begin the show. The first was with Jack Black's Brutal Legend character being a roadie for Dethklok. Then a clip of the Council talking about the dangers of Dethklok and their new plan to stop them. Finally, the band appears. I am not sure what to expect from a live concert from a band based on a cartoon metal band. I know from the show that I have probably a better than 50% chance of being killed while at the show and I made sure I had my Pain Waiver signed. Hooray, they actually started of with the Metalocalypse theme song. After their first album didn't start with this, I was wondering about the concert. I thought it was a dumb move not beginning the album with it because every night we (as we the Dethklok fans) watch the show so we are used to this song pumping us up and getting us in the mood. It was a great start. So the show consisted of the live band playing in front of a huge video screen that showed the animated band playing or their videos. It was a very good effect. And the band sounded excellent, so good that for a second I thought the singer was lip syncing to the CD. Not the case, it was actually Brendan Small who co-created Metalocalypse and voices the band (actually Toki and Murderface are voiced by co-creator Tommy Blacha but Brendan does a very good impression live. Very good). It is pretty weird hearing him slip from voice to voice with ease...even while singing. This is in part while Hatredcopter has become one of my new favorite songs by DK, I was very impressed with it live. Between songs were animated shorts bringing in the humor and many elements of the TV show.

I went in not knowing what to expect but was thrilled with what I was shown. It was a heavy, brutal show by a group of talented guys with a lot of humor mixed in. I would recommend to anyone who loves heavy metal, it is worth your time and your money. I was so impressed that I bought a concert t-shirt...I haven't bought at concert t-shirt (except as gifts) for over 12 years. I enjoyed the concert that much. I wasn't the only one...they ran out of Large size shirts very early in the night and after the show almost as many people headed to the merch booth as out the doors.

Here are Dethklok's official music videos for those not familiar (also check them out every weeknight at 11:45 central on Cartoon Network).

Hatredcopter

Thunderhorse

Murmaider

Picture By Ariy_Chan

The Great PB & J Experiment

Every once in a while I come up with a great idea or invention. Unfortunately, most people seem to think that these ideas are too weird. After I mention it and a few people shoot it down, I usually end up forgetting my great idea. Instead I will document these ideas for you, interwebicon.

Mad Scientist courtesy of Wikimedia Commons and J.J.

I love peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. I eat them at least once a week. Many people I know think this is weird since I am in my thirties. I guess they think it is childish or something...but I tell you that deliciousness has no age limit. I am not going to miss out on a great PB&J just because I think I am too sophisticated for it. It tastes great and I don't need any food snobs telling me otherwise.

Photo from: Wikimedia Commons and Mpegman

I am a grape jelly person. It is a classic for a reason, it is awesome. I throw in some other flavors every once in a while to mix it up - appricot, orange marmelade, or cherry jelly all get a little bit of action but grape jelly is by far the most common partner for my peanut butter. It is just something that always works well. Every once in a great while, I am just not in the mood for jelly...grape or otherwise. This leads to experimentation. Past experiments have included:

• Peanut Butter and Fruit - any kind works well, but especially bananas or apples are good.


• Peanut Butter and Sugar - my mom made these for me as a kid - it is basically getting jelly down to its main component. Getting the right mix of sugar is tricky. Too much and it leaks out of the bread (and is really dry), too little and you don't really taste it.


• Peanut Butter and Cinnamon and Sugar - the extra kick of the cinnamon allows you to use less sugar but get more taste. Still a little dry though.


• Peanut Butter and Honey - good but I've never been a big fan of the stickiness of honey.


• Peanut Butter and Cereal - who hasn't tried this since the Breakfast club came out? Fruity Pebbles are my favorite (since they are my favorite cereal) but Cap'n Crunch, Cookie Crisp, and corn pops all work well. Not a big fan of marshmallow cereals on my sandwich. Something this crunchy is a weird texture for a sandwich.


• Peanut Butter and Maple Syrup - tasted good but was too runny. Syrup just soaked into bread making it squishy.


• Peanut Butter and Hersey Syrup - thought this would make a good Reese's type sandwich. It was good but like maple before it, it was too thin and messy and just soaked into the bread. Using Hersey Candy Bars or mini chocolate chips works better. How about using chocolate cake for bread with peanut butter between them?


• Peanut Butter and Bacon - kind of a take on the Elvis special but I didn't have any bananas and didn't fry it. Not a bad sandwich at all. I can see how the bananas are needed for a hint of sweetness though.


• Peanut Butter and Potato Chips - decent, I was hoping for kind of a salted nut roll type flavor, but it didn't quite match that. Also too crispy for me (like the cereal). Would probably be really good (sweet & salty, creamy & crunchy) if someone was high.

There has been many other variations...and most are surprisingly good. The other night, I came up with new inspiration and I can't believe I hadn't thought of this before:

Peanut Butter and Pudding Sandwiches



I used half a chocolate pudding snack-pack for the filling with my peanut butter. This has turned out much better for the sandwich than chocolate syrup or even candy bars. It is pretty close to a traditional PB&J as far as consistency, texture, and ease. The creaminess of both the peanut butter and the pudding made it a delight to eat. It tasted pretty darn good. Plus PB&P works as an acronym too. I wish I would have taken a picture because it really was a thing of beauty.



Now I am really looking forward to trying something a little more exotic - PB & Tapioca or maybe PB & Butterscotch. I bet PB with banana pudding and banana slices would be wonderful. Oh just had another idea - Peanut Butter and Cake Frosting!



Don't be afraid of PB&J and don't be afraid to mix it up a little.

Two Minutes Hate

Poor Business Decisions

One of the local theaters that my Hetero Life-Pal CT and I frequent has a small arcade. It is a sad state of affairs when this arcade happens to be one of the better places to play pinball. They have a whopping three machines but I want to support them because that is about three more than most places. On our weekly moving outing, I try to show up early so that I can give this arcade my money before the show. I'd also be buying a beverage and probably a hot dog. The theater won't be getting rich off me from this excursion but it is $10-$20 bucks that they wouldn't get otherwise. A poor business decision, however, prevents me from giving them my money.

Thursday night (CT & I's traditional movie night), has now become the time when they count the money and tokens in the change machines and arcade games...which wouldn't bother me, but to do this, they feel like they need to shut down the entire arcade. I worked at an arcade for years, never once did I feel the need to shut down the place to count the money and tokens.

What makes this decision even more dumb is that they shut down the arcade from like 6:30-8pm. 6:30-8pm! Isn't 7pm-8pm the most common movie start time? Isn't that when you would expect to draw the most people into your arcade and make the most money from impulse playing? Why can't you count the money at 4pm? I've been there at that time before and there is no one in the theater. Plus why does it take an hour and half to complete this task? The arcade I worked at was 10 times the size and it still only took me about an hour and half (and yes this included time waiting for customers to finish playing their games).

I really do want to play your games and spend my money there, but you are making it difficult. I am able to play after the movie...and I do, but I would probably play both before and after if I was able. Why are you making it so difficult for me to give you my money?

End Hate

I Love You Interwebicon

Graphic by codiceinternet's flickr stream

There are so many great things about the Interwebicon - finding out how to do just about anything, learning about anything, buying strange and exotic products, not having to deal with sales people, maps and directions, product reviews, youtube videos, and of course free porn.

I'm not even a huge porn fan...I watched way too many neighborhood kid's "parents' secret stash" porn videos in my developmental years for it to really turn me on anymore. I don't mind it sometimes, but I don't often actively seek it out either. That being said, I do love that almost anything you type in a search of google images (safe mode off - I like to live dangerously) will come up with the most random porn images sprinkled throughout the results.

I don't care about the porn itself, but I enjoy the fact that someone actually took the time to tag their porn site/photo with all these non-related search terms. Of course typing in the names of any of my top five brought up inappropriate images (as I expected) but pretty much anything you type in will pull up something totally inappropriate. I think Google is actually doing a better job to sort these out recently (even with safe mode off) but they still pop up and they always make me laugh. I know when I am searching for Pinball...I really mean I am searching for naked lesbians. Honestly, isn't that what we are all searching for, all the time?

I like to play a game. Before I type in anything, I try to guess which results page will hold the first nudity. Pinball was page 4, I guessed page 10. The interwebicon exceeds all expectations again! I must admit that this particular image did also include a pinball machine though...so it wasn't completely inappropriate. I don't know if it deserved to be in the top 100 though.

Keep me on my toes interwebicon. I like it.

Two Minutes Hate

Even A Broken Clock is Right Twice a Day




I have been told this a couple times in the last month by people who are trying to be witty (I think). The problem is that I am ALWAYS right...OK, maybe not always but more times than not when dealing with these people.



Not that I really care if they think I am right or even if they try to insult me. I just think this is a stupid try at an insult...because really what they mean is "Even a Stopped Clock is Right Twice a Day." A broken clock could be anything. It could be stopped due to low battery or the hands could be rusted into position, and yes in this case the clock would be right twice a day. But what if the clock is smashed to bits, missing its hands or even just 15 minutes slow...then the clock would never be right. How about a digital clock with no batteries?



Get your proverbs right! It does make a difference, no matter how much you try to argue. This is why you did poorly of the SATs and didn't go to college.



End Hate.



I am sure the above (awesome) image is copyrighted by the Dali Estate...used here as Fair Use.

Cherchez la Femme

Now that I have been single for a while, I suppose it is time to get back out in the world and find the girl. I am not sure exactly what I am looking for because I find all kinds of qualities intriguing...and qualities I might totally hate in one person might work great in another. How do you describe to someone what you like without just sounding totally generic - of course I want a good looking, nice person (I think that goes for 97% of the population - the other 3% having severe fetish issues). As examples, I am going to give you my top five list. I've played this game with girlfriends in the past but have been told that I don't "play it right" or "have the wrong spirit." They were picking Brad Pitt and Johnny Depp while I would list ex-girlfriends, friends of my girlfriend, and the bored housewife next door. I felt if I was going to go through the trouble of making a list, I might as well include people that I actually had a chance to get laid with. So in the "True Spirit" of the Top 5 Game, these are the famous people that I find attractive and charming.

Before we get to the list, I will tell you that I have been told that I have somewhat strange taste in women. I think Angelina Jolie is good looking but just not what I want. I like a big head, big eyes, big forehead, a great smile, small teeth, and intelligence...I have no idea where this comes from but a lot of the people that I find attractive often have some of these traits.

#5 - Summer Glau - Summer is probably the person that most people other people would agree is totally "hawt." I do absolutely think she is cute and adorable (awesome eyes, big forehead, etc...) but I think I like her most because she has such awesome facial expressions and emotions. This worries me a little because she always plays defective characters - River in Firefly where she was crazy, disturbed young girl and Cameron in Terminator:The Sarah Connor Chronicles where she was a robot starting to have conflicts with her programming. She always plays these characters so convincingly that I am drawn to them, they are super powerful but at the same time extremely vulnerable. However, this makes me worry that maybe I am attracted to damaged women with emotional issues...looking over my dating history, I can not say one way or the other for sure. I also love Summer's movement - she was a highly trained ballerina before sidelined with an injury. She brings this wonderful grace and fluidity to her acting (her being a robot in T:TSCC really kind of bummed me out for it's rigidity) as well as physically power that fascinates me. I look forward to seeing her in Dollhouse soon. I've liked Summer since the first episode of Firefly.

#4 Zooey Deschanel - To me, Zooey seems like the sister of one of your best friends. You've grown up with her and seen her around quite a bit but she has always been "little sister." Then one day, you actually hang out with her and find out that she is really smart with a sarcastic edge and really fun to be with. She is a totally different and more complete person than you ever thought about...you just never noticed. I don't know why I get this feeling from her, I just do. I love her deep set, big eyes and her bangs (I totally hate bangs but they look awesome on her). Her music ability is also a big turn on. Since I have ZERO talent in that field, I am always impressed by others talent and she has an awesomely smokey voice. I've dated a girls who have claimed to loved to sing but I can only think of one that I have ever heard sing. Zooey seems like the type of person that wouldn't be afraid to sing in front of her boyfriend. I've liked Zooey since Almost Famous.

#3 Felicia Day - In addition to big heads, eyes, and foreheads; I have also had a sporadic attraction to red-heads. I actually don't know if it is the red hair per se, but if there is a girl that I find attractive to begin with, red hair is never a detraction. Felicia has been my favorite red for a while. I love how she doesn't always cover her freckles with makeup. I think freckles can be sexy as hell but everyone always covers them up. She also have just this incredibly sweet smile. She is totally girl-next door (in the classic sense, not the crappy E! TV show sense), as she seems totally normal and approachable. She seems like she would be a great person to relax and talk with...one of those people that would make you feel welcome in a group of strangers because she is a dork too after all. I know people who think she dresses too much like a librarian at times but for me that makes her even more perfect and awesome. I first liked Felicia when she was Vi on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but my interest was rekindled with the Diet Coke Commercial and Cheetos Commercial...but she took over number #3 after Dr Horrible's Sing-Along Blog.

#2 Rachel Leigh Cook - Rachel has incredible eyes, cheeks, and smile. But of course, no one would ever see that if she wore glasses, had her hair tied up, and wore clothes with paint on them. Ha ha. I thought she looked wonderful in glasses. Rachel's smiles just light up her whole face and she looks completely adorable. Big eyes that just pop out at you. Rachel reminds me of the really cute girl in high school that was not stuck up and would talk to everyone, even us losers. I must admit that I like her a lot more in dark hair than blond, but even blond she always looks lovely. I've like Rachel since She's All That (yes, I could have done the cop out and said the Brain on Drugs PSA, but really she seemed a little too crazy to find attractive at that moment).

#1 Christina Ricci - Christina is pretty much the epitome of everything I find attractive. Huge head, awesome big eyes, prominent forehead, great smile, etc... I think everything about her is lovely. Even when she was heavier than most other actresses at the time, I thought she was gorgeous (I thought she was normal, not heavy but even if she was...I thought she looked good). Truthfully, I can't even describe the whole reason for my attraction to her...it just clicked in my brain one time and ever since have thought she is incredible. I think she is a very talented address that can handle almost any role from sweet to wicked. I want to sit on my bed and listen to records with her and sit next to her and read books. I doubt I could concentrate much on either but I just want to hang out with her and learn what she likes. I prefer her dark-haired but don't mind the blond as a change of pace. I've liked Christina since Casper, which made her illegal at the time but still I couldn't help but be attracted. Yes, I too thought she was awesome in the Addams Family movies...but I wasn't attracted to her at that time, though I did think she was an awesome kid.

Seriously, this picture below with Christina just sitting there with a faint smile on her lips, turns me on to no end.

If you are these women, know these women, or know someone like these women...hook me up. Okay, actually I am not that picky - feel free to set me up with most any single female :) I'm not desperate, but I am not ruling out and options or assistance either.